HYMNS FOR THE AGING

HYMNS FOR THE AGING

Precious Lord, Take my Hand (And Help Me Get Up)

It is Well with My Soul (but my back hurts)

Nobody Knows the Trouble I have Seeing

Amazing Grace (Considering My Age)

Just a Slower Walk With Thee

Count Your Many Birthdays, Name Them One by One

Go Tell It on the Mountain (And Speak Up)

Give Me that Old Timers' Religion

Blessed Insurance

Guide Me O Thou Great Jehovah (I've forgotten where I parked)

Flight Captain's Announcement

A plane took off from Louisville International Airport, and when it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain started his announcements over the intercom.

"Ladies and gentleman, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 254, nonstop from Louisville to Miami. The weather ahead is good and we expect a smooth and uneventful flight. So just sit back and relax - OH NOOOOOOOO!"

Silence followed for several minutes.

Finally the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry for the earlier scare. While I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled it in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

Back in coach, a passenger said to the person next to him, "That's nothing! He should see the back of mine!"

Have You Opened Your Letter?

A pastor friend recently told the true story of one of his church members, an attorney, who after meditating on several scriptures, decided to cancel the debts of all his clients that had owed him money for more than 6 months.

He drafted a letter explaining his decision and its Biblical basis and sent 17 debt canceling letters via certified mail.

One by one, the letters began to return, unsigned and undelivered.

Perhaps a couple people had moved away though not likely.

16 of the 17 letters came back to him because the clients refused to sign for and open the envelopes fearing that this attorney was suing them for their debts.

How profound! We owe a debt for our sin and God is willing to cancel it but too many people will not even open the letter that explains that.

Are you guilty of not opening your Bible and reading enough of God's Word?

Hearing Aids For A Deaf Wife

A man was irritated by his wife’s refusal to admit her hearing problem. Speaking with his doctor one day he asked, "How can I get my wife to admit that she needs a hearing aid?"

"I’ll tell you what you need to do,” his doctor replied. When you get home peek your head through the door and ask, 'Honey, what’s for dinner?"

"If she doesn’t answer, go into the living room and say, 'Honey, what’s for dinner?' Then walk into the kitchen and ask, "Honey, what’s for dinner?"

"If she still doesn’t answer walk right up behind her and say, "Honey, what’s for dinner? Then you will be able to convince her that she needs a hearing aid.
"Great! I think that will work."

So he repeats the question as he goes through the house. No answer any of the times. 

Then he walked right up behind his wife and spoke directly into her ear. "Honey, what’s for dinner?"

She turned around in a huff and resolutely replied, “For the fourth time, I said, "WE WERE HAVING SPAGHETTI!!!!"

Greetings That Will Kill You!

Greetings That Will Kill You!

"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."

"How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."

"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What on earth was I thinking?"

"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."

"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."

"Thanks for being a part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was before this!"

"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."

"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."

"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike!

"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

"We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."

"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."

"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

Twelve Reasons I Quit Attending Football Games—Or Did I Mean Church?

Twelve Reasons I Quit Attending Football Games—Or Did I Mean Church?

Is that the pastor raising his hands to praise God?

1. Every time I went, they asked me for money.

2. The people sitting next to me didn't seem very friendly.

3. The seats were too hard.

4. The coach (pastor) never came to call on me.

5. The referee (deacons) made a decision I disagreed with.

6. I was sitting with hypocrites—they came only to see what others were wearing.

7. Some of the games/services went into overtime, and I was late getting home.

8. The band (choir) did songs I didn't like.

9. The games/services were scheduled when I wanted to do other things.

10. My parents took me to too many games/churches when I was growing up.

11. Since I read a book about football (religion), I know more than the coaches (pastors) do anyhow.

12. I don't want to take my children, because I want them to choose for themselves what sport (religion) they like best.