Do Not Talk To My Parrot

Mrs. Lonefold's dishwasher quit working, so she called a repairman.

He couldn't accommodate her with an evening appointment, and, since she had to go to work the next day, she told him: "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. By the way, don't worry about my Rottweiler. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do not under *any* circumstances talk to my parrot!"

When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Lonefold's apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Rottweiler he had ever seen.

But, just like she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business.

However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with incessant cursing, yelling, and name-calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled: "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!!"

To which the parrot replied: "GET HIM, Brutus!!"

The Empty Bird Cage

There once was a man named George Thomas, a pastor in a small New England town. One Easter Sunday morning he came to the Church carrying a rusty, bent, old bird cage, and set it by the pulpit. Several eyebrows were raised and, as if in response, Pastor Thomas began to speak...

"I was walking through town yesterday when I saw a young boy coming toward me swinging this bird cage. On the bottom of the cage were three little wild birds, shivering with cold and fright.

I stopped the lad and asked, 'What you got there son?'

"Just some old birds," came the reply.

"What are you gonna do with them?" I asked.

"Take 'em home and have fun with 'em," he answered. "I'm gonna tease'em and pull out their feathers to make 'em fight. I'm gonna have a real good time."

"But you'll get tired of those birds sooner or later. What will you do?"

"Oh, I got some cats," said the little boy. "They like birds. I'll take'em to them."

The pastor was silent for a moment. "How much do you want for those birds, son?"

"Huh?? !!! Why, you don't want them birds, Mister. They're just plain old field birds. They don't sing - they ain't even pretty!"

"How much?" the pastor asked again.

The boy sized up the pastor as if he were crazy and said, "$10?"

The pastor reached in his pocket and took out a ten dollar bill. He placed it in the boy's hand. In a flash, the boy was gone. The pastor picked up the cage and gently carried it to the end of the alley where there was a tree and a grassy spot. Setting the cage down, he opened the door, and by softly tapping the bars persuaded the birds out, setting them free.

Well, that explained the empty bird cage on the pulpit, and then the pastor began to tell this story...

One day Satan and God were having a conversation. Satan had just come from the Garden of Eden, and he was gloating and boasting. "Yes, sir, I just caught the world full of people down there. Set me a trap, used bait I knew they couldn't resist. Got 'em all!"

"What are you going to do with them?" God asked.

Satan replied, "Oh, I'm gonna have fun! I'm gonna teach them how to marry and divorce each other, how to hate and abuse each other, how to drink and smoke and curse. I'm gonna teach them how to invent guns and bombs and kill each other. I'm really gonna have fun!"

"And what will you do when you get done with them?" God asked.

"Oh, I'll kill 'em," Satan glared proudly.

"How much do you want for them?" God asked.

"Oh, you don't want those people. They ain't no good. Why, you'll take them and they'll just hate you. They'll spit on you, curse you and kill you!! You don't want those people!"

"How much?" He asked again. Satan looked at God and sneered, "All your tears, and all your blood."

God said, "DONE!" Then He paid the price.

The pastor picked up the cage, opened the door and then walked from the pulpit.

Ten Smartest Animals - No. 5 - CROW

5. Crow
Crossing the street against traffic may be called “jay-walking,” but jays and other members of the crow family understand better than some humans the importance of waiting for the light to change. Crows living in urban areas are known to gather nuts from trees and then place them in the street for passing cars to crack open the shells. Then, after waiting patiently for the light to change, they return to the street to retrieve their nutty snack - an impressive example of animal innovation. Crows also communicate in elaborate population-specific dialects and play games and tricks on one another. Some scientists even believe that crows are more intelligent than primates.

Read more: http://www.care2.com/greenliving/top-10-smartest-animals.html#ixzz1Ihy0qapv

Escaped Chickens Found

A farmer's son was returning from the market with a homemade bamboo cage of chickens his father had told him to carry home.

The flimsy cage broke open and the chickens all escaped. The boy quickly fixed the crate and chased around the neighborhood gathering up the chickens. 

Hoping he had found them all, he finally made it home, expecting to get a stern lecture from his father.

"Dad, the cage broke and chickens escaped! However I managed to capture all twelve of them back."

"Well, that's great! You have done a fine job, son," the farmer said proudly, "because I only sent you home with seven chickens!"

The Disturbing Woodpecker

Grace and Walter Lantz rented a rustic wooden cabin in the forest for their honeymoon. At the first dawn there, a woodpecker started its pounding on the roof. 

The newlyweds couldn't sleep for the noise. With humor, they heard it day after day. By the time they returned from their honeymoon, they were inspired to create a cartoon character, "Woody Woodpecker." Walter drew the pictures. Gracie became Woody's voice. 

Years later, at their 50th wedding anniversary, Grace remembered the problem of the noisy woodpecker and said, "It was the best thing that ever happened to us."

Dick Innes

They Can Fly!

In “Run With The Horses,” Eugene Peterson writes about seeing a family of birds teaching the young to fly: 

Three young swallows were perched on a dead branch that stretched out over a lake.

One adult swallow got alongside the chicks and started shoving them out toward the end of the branch - pushing, pushing, pushing.  The end one fell off.  Somewhere between the branch and the water four feet below, the wings started working, and the fledgling was off on his own.  Then the second one.

The third was not to be bullied.  At the last possible moment his grip on the branch loosened just enough so that he swung downward, then tightened again, bulldog tenacious.  The parent was without sentiment.  He pecked at the desperately clinging talons until it was more painful for the poor chick to hang on than risk the insecurities of flying.  

The grip was released, and the inexperienced wings began pumping.  The mature swallow knew what the chick did not - that it would fly - that there was no danger in making it do what it was perfectly designed to do.

Birds have feet and can walk.  Birds have talons and can grasp a branch securely.  They can walk; they can cling.  But flying is their characteristic action, and not until they fly are they living at their best, gracefully, and beautifully.
Giving is what we do best.  It is the air into which we were born.  It is the action that was designed into us before out birth.

Some of us try desperately to hold on to ourselves, to live for ourselves.  We look so bedraggled and pathetic doing it, hanging on to the dead branch of a bank account for dear life, afraid to risk ourselves on the untried wings of giving.
Eugene Peterson

The Duck Is Dead!

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"  "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. 

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
 
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
 

The Difference Between Hummingbird and Vulture

Both the hummingbird and the vulture fly over our nation's deserts. All vultures see is rotting meat, because that is what they look for. 

They thrive on that diet. But hummingbirds ignore the smelly flesh of dead animals. Instead, they look for the colorful blossoms of desert plants. 

The vultures live on what was. They live on the past. They fill themselves with what is dead and gone. But hummingbirds live on what is. They seek new life. They fill themselves with freshness and life. 

Each bird finds what it is looking for. We all do.  

Steve Goodier, Quote Magazine, in Reader's Digest, May, 1990.

Remember the Duck?

There was a little boy visiting his grandparents on their farm. He was given a slingshot to play with out in the woods. He practiced in the woods, but he could never hit the target.

Getting a little discouraged, he headed back for dinner. As he was walking back he saw Grandma's pet duck. Just out of impulse, he let the slingshot fly, hit the duck square in the head, and killed it. He was shocked and grieved. In a panic, he hid the dead duck in the wood pile, only to see his sister watching! Sally had seen it all, but she said nothing.

After lunch the next day Grandma said, "Sally, let's wash the dishes."

But Sally said, "Grandma, Johnny told me he wanted to help in the kitchen." Then she whispered to him, "Remember the duck?" So Johnny did the dishes.

Later that day, Grandpa asked if the children wanted to go fishing and Grandma said, "I'm sorry but I need Sally to help make supper."

Sally just smiled and said, "Well that's all right because Johnny told me he wanted to help." She whispered again, "Remember the duck?" So Sally went fishing and Johnny stayed to help.

After several days of Johnny doing both his chores and Sally's he finally couldn't stand it any longer. He came to Grandma and confessed that he had killed the duck.

Grandma knelt down, gave him a hug, and said, "Sweetheart, I know. You see, I was standing at the window and I saw the whole thing, but because I love you, I forgave you. I was just wondering how long you would let Sally make a slave of you."

Whatever is in your past, whatever you have done, the devil keeps throwing it up in your face (lying, cheating, debt, fear, bad habits, hatred, anger, bitterness, etc.). Whatever it is, you need to know that God was standing at the window and He saw the whole thing. He has seen your whole life. He wants you to know that He loves you and that you are forgiven. He's just wondering how long you will let the devil make a slave of you.

The great thing about God is that when you ask for forgiveness, He not only forgives you, but He forgets. It is by God's grace and mercy that we are saved.