Pastor Leaving Church

A pastor was leaving his area and was saying farewell to his congregation at the Church doors for the last time. He shook the hand of an elderly lady as she walked out. She said "Your successor won't be as good as you." 

"Nonsense", said the pastor, in a flattered tone. "No, really", said the old lady, "I've been here under five different ministers, and each new one has been worse than the last."

Amelia Earhart Quotes

Better do a good deed near at home than go far away to burn incense.


Courage is the price that life exacts for granting peace.


Flying might not be all plain sailing, but the fun of it is worth the price.


I want to do it because I want to do it.


In soloing - as in other activities - it is far easier to start something than it is to finish it.


Never do things others can do and will do if there are things others cannot do or will not do.


Never interrupt someone doing what you said couldn't be done.


Obviously I faced the possibility of not returning when first I considered going. Once faced and settled there really wasn't any good reason to refer to it.


Please know that I am aware of the hazards. I want to do it because I want to do it. Women must try to do things as men have tried. When they fail, their failure must be a challenge to others.


The more one does and sees and feels, the more one is able to do, and the more genuine may be one's appreciation of fundamental things like home, and love, and understanding companionship.


The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity. The fears are paper tigers. You can do anything you decide to do. You can act to change and control your life; and the procedure , the process is its own reward.


The most effective way to do it, is to do it.


The woman who can create her own job is the woman who will win fame and fortune.


There are two kinds of stones, as everyone knows, one of which rolls.


There is so much that must be done in a civilized barbarism like war.


Women must pay for everything. They do get more glory than men for comparable feats, but, they also get more notoriety when they crash.


Women must try to do things as men have tried. When they fail their failure must be but a challenge to others.


Women, like men, should try to do the impossible. And when they fail, their failure should be a challenge to others.

Amelia Earhart's Last Words to Her Husband

Amelia Mary Earhart was the first woman to fly solo across the Atlantic Ocean and is remembered for her courage, vision and groundbreaking achievements. Setting numerous records and writing best-selling books, Earhart is most remembered for her final flight—an attempt to make the 29,000-mile journey around the world. Although she only had 7,000 miles left, Earhart disappeared over the central Pacific Ocean near Howland Island on July 2, 1937. Her final radio transmission revealed she was low on fuel.

Artifact discoveries in 2010 on a remote South Pacific island suggest Earhart tried to survive as a castaway after her twin-engine plane "The Electra" crashed. 

In a letter to her husband—written in case a dangerous flight proved to be her last—the aviatrix wrote: "Please know I am quite aware of the hazards. I want to do it because I want to do it. Women must try to do things as men have tried. When they fail, their failure must be but a challenge to others.

Actual Medical Records

The following are actual medical records taken from patients' charts around North America:

- The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

- Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

- She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.

- The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

- I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

- The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

- She is numb from her toes down.

- While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

- The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

- The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

- Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

- Patient was alert and unresponsive.

- When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

Job Impressions

I had always talked about my job a lot at home, and my young daughter had always expressed great interest. So I thought it would be a treat for her to spend the day with me at the office. 

Since I wanted it to be a surprise, I didn't tell her where we were going, just that it would be fun. Although usually a bit shy, she seemed excited to meet each colleague I introduced. On the way home, however, she seemed somewhat down.

"Didn't you have a nice time?" I asked.

"Well, it was okay." she responded. "But I thought it would be more like a circus."

Confused, I asked, "Whatever do you mean?"

She said, "Well, you said you work with a bunch of clowns, and I never got to see them!"

Three Hunters One Rifle

Three goobers went away on a hunting trip.

Once they'd set up their camp site, they prepared to leave for the hunt. Unfortunately, they discovered they'd only brought one hunting rifle along with them. So they decided they'd each take turns hunting.

The first one headed out and, a few hours later, he returned. He came back with a raccoon.

The other goobers were amazed and asked how he got the raccoon. "Saw tracks, followed tracks, shot raccoon." he said.

The second goober thought that this was going to be easy, so he headed out. After a short time, he came back with a bear. The other two goobers asked how he got the bear and he replied, "Saw tracks, followed tracks, shot bear."

The third goober thought that this was so easy, even he could do it. He left ... and came back three days later, battered and bruised. He looked awful. The other goobers asked what had happened. He said, "Saw tracks, followed tracks ... got hit by train."

What Is Real Skill?

There was a rich man who was deliberately hard on his farmhand. He gave him a bottle and said, "Buy me a bottle of wine."

The farmhand asked, "How can I buy you wine with no money at all?"

The rich man said, "Anyone can buy wine with money. It takes real skill to buy wine without money."

After a while the farmhand returned with the empty bottle. He handed the bottle to the rich man and said, "Enjoy the wine, please."

Staring at the empty bottle, the rich man asked, "There is no wine, how can I enjoy this?"

The farmhand said, "Anyone can enjoy wine if there is some. It takes real skill to enjoy wine when there is none."

The End Is Near!

A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" 

They held up the sign to each passing car.

"Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard a big splash.

"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'bridge out' instead?"

Criticizing D. L. Moody

Dwight L. Moody, the famous evangelist, was once told by an irate church lady, "Mr. Moody, I don't like the way you do your evangelism."

In reply, Mr. Moody said, "I don't necessarily like all of it either, but it's the best way I know how. Tell me, how do you do it?"

"Oh, I don't," was the reply.

"Well," said Moody, "I like the way I'm doing it better than the way you're not doing it."

It's always easy to know what to do when we don't have to do the job, and very easy to criticize others when we're not doing the work ourselves.

Kids Are Funny - Famous Sayings

I teach fourth grade in Ventura County, California. As a fun assignment, I gave the students the beginning of a list of famous sayings and asked them to provide original endings for each one. Here are some examples of what my students submitted.

- The grass is always greener when you leave the sprinkler on.

- A rolling stone plays the guitar.

- The grass is always greener when you remember to water it.

- A bird in the hand is a real mess.

- No news is no newspaper.

- It's better to light one candle than to waste electricity.

- It's always darkest just before I open my eyes.

- You have nothing to fear but homework.

- If you can't stand the heat, don't start the fireplace.

- If you can't stand the heat, go swimming.

- Never put off 'til tomorrow what you should have done yesterday.

- A penny saved is nothing in the real world.

- The squeaking wheel gets annoying.

- We have nothing to fear but our principal.

- To err is human. To eat a muskrat is not.

- I think, therefore I get a headache.

- Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry, and someone yells, "Shut up!"

- Better to light a candle than to light an explosive.

- It's always darkest before 9:30 p.m.

- Early to bed and early to rise is first in the bathroom.

- A journey of a thousand miles begins with a blister.

- There is nothing new under the bed.

- The grass is always greener when you put manure on it.

- Don't count your chickens -- it takes too long.

Written by Pastor Tim 

One Carton and Six Eggs

This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why on earth did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

Kids Are Funny - About the Bible

The statements below are said to have been written by actual students, that they are genuine and NOT retouched or corrected:

- Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

- The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount cyanide to get the ten amendments.

- The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

- The fifth commandment is to humor thy father and mother.

- The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

- The epistles were wives of the apostles.

- The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

- Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

- Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

- One of the opposums was St Matthew who was also a taximan.

Kids Are Funny

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
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TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
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TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand....
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
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TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________

Honesty In A Car Accident

A man was trying to pull out of a parking place but bashed the bumper of the parked car in front of him.

Witnessed by a handful of pedestrians waiting for a bus, the driver got out, inspected the damage, and proceeded to write a note to leave on the windshield of the car he had hit.

The note read:

"Hello. I have just hit your car, and there are some people here watching me who think that I am writing this note to leave you my name, phone number, and driver's license number, but I am not."

School Project Picture

My 12 year old daughter asked me, "Mom, do you have a baby picture of yourself? I need it for a school project." I gave her one without thinking to ask what the project was.

A few days later I was in her classroom for a parent-teacher meeting when I noticed my face pinned to a mural the students had created.

The title of their project was: "The oldest thing in my house."

Bearing The Name of Someone Great

Alexander the Great, one of the greatest military generals who ever lived, conquered almost the entire known world with his vast army. One night during a campaign, he couldn't sleep and left his tent to walk around the campgrounds. As he was walking he came across a soldier asleep on guard duty - a serious offense. The penalty for falling asleep on guard duty was, in some cases, instant death; the commanding officer sometimes poured kerosene on the sleeping soldier and lit it.

The soldier began to wake up as Alexander the Great approached him. Recognizing who was standing in front of him, the young man feared for his life.

"Do you know what the penalty is for falling asleep on guard duty?" Alexander the Great asked the soldier. "Yes sir," the soldier responded in a quivering voice. "Soldier, what's your name?" demanded Alexander the Great. "Alexander, sir." Alexander the Great repeated the question: "What is your name?" "My name is Alexander, sir," the soldier repeated. A third time and more loudly Alexander the Great asked, "What us your name?" A third time the soldier meekly said, "My name is Alexander, sir." Alexander the Great then looked the young soldier straight in the eye.

"Soldier," he said with intensity, "either change your name or change your conduct."

We who carry the name of Christ and call ourselves Christian must live up to the name. We are ambassadors for Christ, reconciling the world with God. Let's represent Him! To represent means to give a new introduction. Let's introduce God by the way we live our lives with an attitude that matches his greatness.
 
Dr. Guy & Ilke Peh

Change Your Words And You Will Change Your World

A blind old man sat on the steps of a building with a hat by his feet. He had a sign which read: "I am blind. Please Help." There were only a few coins in the tin can.

When a lady came walking by, she stopped and backtracked. She looked disapprovingly at the sign, took it and wrote some words on the back. She put the sign back where it was, so that everyone who walked by would see the new words.

Soon the hat began to fill up. Many more people were giving money to the blind man.

That afternoon the lady who had changed the sign came to see how things were going. The blind man recognized the sound of her high heels and asked, "Were you the one who changed my sign this morning? What did you write?"

The lady said, "I only wrote the truth. I said what you said but in a different way. I wrote: 'Today is a beautiful day, but I cannot see it.'"

Both signs told people the same thing... that the old man was blind. But the first sign simply said the man was blind. The second sign told people they were extremely fortunate that they were not blind. Should we be surprised that the second sign was more effective?

Moral of the Story:
Be thankful for what you have.
Be creative. Be innovative. Think differently and positively.

When life gives you a reason to cry, show life that you have 100 reasons to smile. Face your past without regret. Handle your present with confidence. Prepare for the future without fear.

Keep the faith and drop the fear... just remember God is Near! 

Watch the video here

Lulu The Hero Pig

Lulu the Potbellied Pig with Jo Ann

Jo Ann was taking care of her daughter's potbellied pig named Lulu. Jo Ann suffered a major heart attack while she was watching Lulu. She cried for help, but no one could hear her.

Lulu knew that Jo Ann was in trouble and ran out of the house. The pig laid down in the middle of the street and stopped all traffic. Lulu tried relentlessly to get help. Lulu would return to the house to check on Jo Ann, and then return to the street searching for someone to help. 

Finally, someone noticed Lulu and followed her to the door. Jo Ann was rushed to the hospital and she survived. Without Lulu's help, Jo Ann might not be here today. Lulu the potbellied pig is a well known animal hero.

Science Quotes from Kids - Part 2

~ H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.

~ To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube. When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

~ Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

~ Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.

~ Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

~ Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.

~ The moon is a planet, just like the earth, only it is even deader.

~ Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.

~ Mushrooms always grow in damp places so they look like umbrellas.

~ The pistol of a flower is its only protections against insects.

~ The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.

~ A permanent set of teeth consist of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.

~ The tides are a fight between the earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

~ A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

~ Germinate: To become a naturalized German.

~ Liter: A nest of young puppies.

~ Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.

~ Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.

~ Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.

~ Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.

~ Vacuum: A large, empty space where the Pope lives.

~ Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

~ To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

~ For a nosebleed, put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.

~ For dog bite put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.

~ For head cold use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.

~ To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.