New Pastor Walks On Water

The congregation was not certain that the new pastor could do all that the previous, older pastor had done. The Pastor Search Committee decided to put him to the test. 

After the service, everyone went out to the local lake for a picnic. 

After loading all of the picnic supplies into a large boat, the congregation climbed aboard and began to cross the lake to an island. 

Halfway across the lake a member stood up and said, "Oh no, we have forgotten the hot dogs. Someone will have to swim back and get them." 

Realizing he was being put to the test, the new pastor got out of the boat, walked across the water, and retrieved the hot dogs. 

Most of the congregation was stunned but one critic said, "See, I told you, they didn't even send us one who could swim." 

Sales Department and Not Management

A pastor who was an avid golfer was taking part in a local golf tournament. As he prepared to tee off, storm clouds rolled in. 

The organizer of the tournament pointed them out to the pastor and said with a smile, "Preacher, I trust you’ll see to it that the weather won't turn bad on us." 

The pastor shook his head and said, "Sorry. I'm in sales, not management!"

When we pray, minister, share our faith, and follow God's guidance, it's important—and liberating—to remember that the results aren't up to us. 

LETTERS TO PASTORS FROM CHILDREN

Below are letters that children have written to their pastor.

Dear Pastor:

Please say in your sermon Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete, age 9

Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class.—Carla, age 10

I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Yours Sincerely, Arnold, age 8

I’m sorry I can’t leave more money in the plate, but my father didn’t give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance? Love Patty, age 10

My mother is very religious. She goes to lay bingo at church every week even if she has a cold. Your truly, Annette, age 9

I would like to go to Heaven someday because I know my brother won’t be there.—Stephen, age 8

I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland.—Loreen, age 9

Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God’s help, or a new pitcher. Thank you, Alexander, age 10

My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don’t think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house.—Joshua, age 10

How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers? Sincerely, Marie, age 9

I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished.—Ralph, age 11

I hope to go to Heaven some day but later than sooner. Love Ellen, age 9

My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something.—Robert, age 11

Classic Church Feuds

Church feuds are not uncommon, especially among cliques in the congregation. But when the pastor and choir director get into it, stand aside.

One week our preacher preached on commitment, and how we should dedicate ourselves to service. The director then led the choir in singing, 'I Shall Not Be Moved.'

The next Sunday, the preacher preached on giving and how we should gladly give to the work of the Lord. The choir director then led the song, 'Jesus Paid It All.'

The next Sunday, the preacher preached on gossiping and how we should watch our tongues. The hymn was 'I Love To Tell The Story.'

The preacher became disgusted over the situation and the next Sunday he told the congregation he was considering resigning. The choir then sang 'Oh, Why Not Tonight.'

When the preacher resigned the next week he told the church that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was taking him away. The choir then sang, 'What A Friend We Have in Jesus.'

Preaching To Bears

A priest, a rabbi and a Pentecostal preacher all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk "shop". One day someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. Well, one thing led to another and before it was over they decided to do a seven-day experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear and preach to it.

It's now seven days later and they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father O'Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages goes first. "Wellll," he says in a fine Irish brogue, "Ey wint oot into th' wooods to fynd me a bearr. Oond when Ey fund him Ey began to rread to him from the Baltimorre Chatecism. Welll, thet bearr wanted naught to do wi' me und begun to slap me aboot. So I quick grrabbed me holy water and, THE SAINTS BE PRAISED, he becam as gintle as a lamb. The bishop is cooming oot next wik to give him fierst communion und confierrmation."

Reverend Billy Bob speaks next. He's in a wheel chair, with an arm and both legs in casts and an I.V. drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaims, "WELL brothers....you KNOW that we don't sprinkle........WE DUNK! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's HOOOOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. I SAY NO! He wanted NOTHING to do with me. So I took HOOOLD of him and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another untill we come to a crick. So'se I quick DUNK him and BAPTIZE his hairy soul. An' jus like you you sez, he wuz gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God's HOOOOLY word."

Next, the first two both look down at the rabbi who's laying in a hospital bed. He's in a body cast & traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. The rabbi looks up and says "Oy! You don't know what tough is until you try to circumcise one of those creatures."

The Farmer and the Preacher

There’s a classic old story about a conversation between a farmer and a preacher. The story goes that the preacher was driving down a country road when he came upon the most beautiful farm he’d ever seen in his lifetime spent traveling rural roads. He could only compare it to a beautiful painting. It was by no means a new farm, but the house and buildings were well constructed and in perfect repair and paint. A garden around the house was filled with flowers and shrubs. A fine row of trees lined each side of the white gravel drive. The fields were beautifully tilled, and a fine herd of fat dairy cattle grazed knee-deep in the pasture. The site was so arresting the preacher stopped to drink it all in. He had been raised on a farm himself, and he knew a great one when he saw it

It was then he noticed the farmer, on a tractor, hard at work, approaching the place where the preacher stood beside his car. When the farmer got closer, the preacher hailed him. The farmer stopped the tractor, idled down the engine, and then shouted a friendly “hello!” The preacher said to him, “My good man, God has certainly blessed you with a magnificent farm.” And then, there was a pause as the farmer took off his cape and shifted in the tractor seat to take a look at his pride and joy. He then looked at the preacher and he said, “Yes, He has, and we’re grateful. But you should have seen this place when He had it all to Himself.”

Well, the preacher looked at the strong, friendly features of the farmer for a moment, smiled, and with a wave of his hand climbed back in his car and continued on his way. And he thought, that man has given me my sermon for next Sunday.

Every farmer along this road and in this country has been blessed with the same land, pretty much, and the same opportunity. Each has worked his farm according to his nature. Every farm, every home of every family in the country is the living reflection of the people who dwell in it. He understood that the land we’re given was not the acres we buy for our farm or the lot on which we build or buy a home, but rather the life we give it, what we do with what we have. Our lives are our plots of ground, and that’s the land we sow and from which we are then obliged to reap the resulting harvest. And the way we’ve sown will be reflected in every department of our lives.

Well, the farmer that the preacher had just talked to would reap an abundant harvest, not just when the time came for gathering his crops, but every time he looked around the place, every time he returned from town to that white gravel drive and trees that lined it and the fine home and gardens that stood at the end of it. He was grateful for what he had. But he knew that it was not what is given us that makes the difference, but rather what we do with it, what we make of what we have. Yes, sir, the preacher thought as he smiled and drove his car along the road to town. He had his sermon for next Sunday, and it would be a good one.

Each one of us is a farmer. Our lives are the plots of ground that have been given to us free and clear. If we’re wise, we too, will reap the abundant harvest, for the planting is left strictly to us.

Earl Nightingale

The Barber's Fault?

A preacher and an atheistic barber were once walking through the city slums.

Said the barber to the preacher: "This is why I cannot believe in a God of love. If God was as kind and loving as you say, He would not permit all this poverty, disease, and squalor. He would not allow these poor bums to be addicted to dope and other character-destroying habits. No, I cannot believe in a God who permits these things."

The minister was silent until they met a man who was especially unkept and filthy. His hair was hanging down his neck and he had a half-inch of stubble on his face.

Said the minister: "You can't be a very good barber or you wouldn't permit a man like that to continue living in this neighborhood without a haircut and a shave."

Indignantly the barber answered: "Why blame me for that man's condition? I can't help it that he is like that. He has never come in my shop. I could fix him up and make him look like a gentleman!"

Giving the barber a penetrating look, the minister said: "Then don't blame God for allowing the people to continue in their evil ways, when He is constantly inviting them to come and be saved."

Truth be told, God can't change you unless you step forward and ask God to help you change for the better.

If You Don’t Love This Smell, I Can’t Use You

Reverend Jim Cymbala

Jim Cymbala preaches at a church in the slums of New York. He tells the following story: 

It was Easter Sunday and I was so tired at the end of the day that I just went to the edge of the platform, pulled down my tie and sat down and draped my feet over the edge. It was a wonderful service with many people coming forward. The counselors were talking with these people.

As I was sitting there, I looked up the middle aisle, and there in about the third row was a man who looked about fifty, disheveled, filthy. He looked up at me rather sheepishly, as if saying, “Could I talk to you?” We have homeless people coming in all the time, asking for money or whatever. So as I sat there, I said to myself, though I am ashamed of it, “What a way to end a Sunday. I’ve had such a good time, preaching and ministering, and here’s a fellow probably wanting some money for more wine.”

He walked up. When he got within about five feet of me, I smelled a horrible smell like I’d never smelled in my life. It was so awful that when he got close, I would inhale by looking away, and then I’d talk to him, and then look away to inhale, because I couldn’t inhale facing him.

I asked him, “What’s your name?” “David.” “How long have you been on the street?” “Six years.” “How old are you?” “Thirty-two.” He looked fifty—hair matted, front teeth missing, wino, eyes slightly glazed. “Where did you sleep last night, David?” “Abandoned truck.”

I keep in my back pocket a money clip that also holds some credit cards. I fumbled to pick one out thinking, I’ll give him some money. I won’t even get a volunteer. They are all busy talking with others.Usually we don’t give money to people; we take them to get something to eat. I took the money out. David pushed his finger in front of me. He said, “I don’t want your money. I want this Jesus, the One you were talking about, because I’m not going to make it. I’m going to die on the street.”

I completely forgot about David, and I started to weep for myself. I was going to give a couple of dollars to someone God had sent to me. See how easy it is? I could make the excuse I was tired. There is no excuse. I was not seeing him the way God sees him. I was not feeling what God feels.

But oh, did that change! David just stood there. He didn’t know what was happening. I pleaded with God, “God, forgive me! Forgive me! Please forgive me. I am so sorry to represent You this way. I’m so sorry. Here I am with my message and my points, and You send somebody and I am not ready for it. Oh, God!”

Something came over me. Suddenly I started to weep deeper, and David began to weep. He fell against my chest as I was sitting there. He fell against my white shirt and tie, and I put my arms around him, and there we wept on each other. The smell of His person became a beautiful aroma. Here is what I thought the Lord made real to me: If you don’t love this smell, I can’t use you, because this is why I called you where you are. This is what you are about. You are about this smell.

Christ changed David’s life. He started memorizing portions of Scripture that were incredible. We got him a place to live. We hired him in the church to do maintenance, and we got his teeth fixed. He was a handsome man when he came out of the hospital. They detoxed him in 6 days.

He spent that Thanksgiving at my house. He also spent Christmas at my house. When we were exchanging presents, he pulled out a little thing, and he said, “This is for you.” It was a little white hanky. It was the only thing he could afford.

A year later, David got up and talked about his conversion to Christ. The minute he took the mic and began to speak, I said, “The man is a preacher.” This past Easter, we ordained David. He is an associate minister of a church over in New Jersey.

And I was so close to saying, “Here, take this; I’m a busy preacher.” We can get so full of ourselves.

Contributed by Davon Huss

Who Shot The Buck?

WARNING:This joke may not be suitable for those who are not hunters. 

Three friends decided to go deer hunting together. One was a lawyer, one a doctor, and the other a preacher.
As they were walking, along came a big buck. The three of them shot simultaneously. Immediately the buck dropped to the ground and all three rushed up to see how big it actually was.

Upon reaching it they found out that it was dead but had only one bullet hole. Thus a debate followed concerning whose buck it was.

A few minutes later a game officer came by and asked what the problem was. The doctor told him their reason for the debate. The officer told them he would take a look and tell them who shot it.

Within a few seconds the game officer said with much confidence, "The pastor shot the buck!"

They all wondered how he knew that so quickly.

The officer said, "Easy. The bullet went in one ear and out the other."

Thanks to Pastor Cheng Lip Kiong for sharing this joke on FB.

Clergy Arrested For Playing Poker

A rabbi and his two friends, a priest and a minister, played poker for small stakes once a week. The only problem was that they lived in a very conservative blue-law town. One night, the sheriff raided their game and took all three before the local judge.

After listening to the sheriff's story, the judge sternly inquired of the priest, "Were you gambling, Father?"

The priest looked toward heaven, whispered, "Oh, Lord, forgive me," and then said aloud, "No, your honor, I was not gambling."

"Were you gambling, Reverend?" the judge asked the minister.

The minister repeated the priest's actions and replied, "No, your honor, I was not gambling."

Turning to the third clergyman, the judge asked, "Were you gambling, Rabbi?"

The rabbi eyed him coolly and replied, "With whom?"

Eating Like A Horse

A certain man had invited the pastor and his wife for dinner, and it was little Joey's job to set the table.

 

But when it came time to eat, Joey's mother said with surprise, "Why didn't you give Mrs. Brown a knife and fork dear?"

"I didn't think I needed to," as everyone listened as Joey explained, "I heard Daddy say she always eats like a horse."

Goodwill Offering

During the last Sunday service that the visiting pastor was to spend at the church he served for some months, his hat was passed around for a goodwill offering.

When it returned to the pastor, it was empty. The pastor didn't flinch.

He raised the hat to Heaven and said, "I thank You, Lord, that at least I got my hat back from this congregation."

You Might be a Pastor If…

~ You've waded in a creek wearing a necktie.

~ You've ever dreamed you were preaching only to waken and discover that you were.

~ You'd rather negotiate with terrorists than the church organist.

~ You see a picnic as no picnic.

~ You've ever wanted to fire the church and form a congregation search committee.

~ You've been tempted to take up an offering at a family reunion.

~ You've ever wanted to give the sound man some feedback of your own.

~ You've ever wanted to lay hands on a deacon, and you didn't mean praying for him.

~ You often feel like you are herding cats instead of shepherding sheep.

~ Your sermons have a happy ending...everyone's happy when it ends.

~ You've never preached on TV, because your wife made you get down before you broke something.

~ You feel that it is your job to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable.

Charitable Giving

A large, well built man visited the church and asked to see the pastor's wife, who was well known for her charity.

As he spoke to her he said in a voice breaking with emotion, "I'd like to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this neighborhood. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned out into the cold streets unless someone pays their $400 rent that is past due"

"How frightful!" exclaimed the pastor's wife. "May I ask who you are to these poor people?"

The enormous visitor wiped his eyes with his handkerchief and wailed, 'I'm their landlord’

Pastor Leaving Church

A pastor was leaving his area and was saying farewell to his congregation at the Church doors for the last time. He shook the hand of an elderly lady as she walked out. She said "Your successor won't be as good as you." 

"Nonsense", said the pastor, in a flattered tone. "No, really", said the old lady, "I've been here under five different ministers, and each new one has been worse than the last."

Pastor's Business Card

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners.  At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned.  Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10'. 

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. 

Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.' 

Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'

Discovered and shared by Pastor Betty Wong

Dead During The Service

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. 

It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. 

The seven-year-old had been staring at th e plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex." 

"Good morning," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. 

"What is this?" Alex asked. 

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." 

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. 

Little Alex's voice was trembling and barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"

The Burglar and the Pastor

A burglar broke into a minister's house and told the pastor, "One move and you're dead. I'm looking for money."

The pastor replied, "Hang on, let me get a light and I'll help you." 

(A hint to the congregation to pay the pastor better! lol)

Phone Line Not Working Too Well

Little Joanie was watching her father, a pastor, writing his sermon.

"How do you know what to say?" the curious little girl asked.
 

Her father answered without looking up, "Why, God tells me."

Then the girl asked again, "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

The father quickly replied, "Well, that's because Daddy's inner phone line with God is a little faulty!"

The quick-thinking little girl then said, "Why didn't you get the telephone repair men to fix your phone line?"

The pastor then looked up at his little daughter in disbelief. 

He then reached out and hugged her, saying, "Daddy will get the repair men to fix the line!"

Throwing All Into The River

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

With even greater emphasis, he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And then, finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down.

The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a pleasant smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather At the River.'"