Cannibal Canoe

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker are captured by cannibals.


The chief cannibal comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, put you in a pot, cook you, eat you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."


The Frenchman says, "I take zee sword."


The chief gives him a sword, he says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.


The Englishman says, "Right--a pistol for me, please."


The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at himself, says, "God save the queen!" and shoots.


The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork."


The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over; it's horrible!


The chief is appalled, and asks, "What in the world are you doing?"


The New Yorker says, "So much for your stupid canoe!"

The Horse Thief

A man in the old west was being tried for stealing a horse and, as you probably know from reading history, this was a very serious offense. You could be hung if you were caught stealing a horse. 

Now, the problem with this situation was that the man whose horse had been stolen had gotten the best of every person on the jury at one time or another. Each one of them had been swindled, cheated, or conned in some way by the plaintiff. And so the case was tried. 

The man whose horse had been stolen was sitting there and the judge asked the foreman of the jury, "Have you reached a verdict?" And the chairman said, "Yes we have, your honor." After a few moments of silence the chairman spoke and he said, "We find the defendant not guilty, if he will return the horse!" 

Laughter broke out, and so after the judge silenced everybody in the courtroom, he admonished the jury, "I can't accept that verdict. You have to retire until you reach another one." So they went back into the jury room and thought about how to render the verdict. 

Each jury-member thought about how the plaintiff, at one time or another, had gotten the best of them. So an hour later, the same thing happened. "Gentlemen of the jury have you reached a verdict?" the judge asked again. "Yes we have your honor," replied the foreman. "What say ye? What is your verdict?" 

The courtroom was deathly silent. You could have heard a pin drop. Eagerly, everyone awaited the verdict. The foreman stood and said, "We find the defendant not guilty and he can keep the horse!" The courtroom burst into laughter again. 

After hearing this story, you can come away from it thinking, "Well, what's the moral of the story?" If you cheat people and if you do wrong by people, sooner or later you are going to get yours? If you desire to be a friend, then you had better be a friend? If you desire other people to help you then you better help others? And if you desire justice at the hands of others, then you better practice justice towards them? 

George Antonakos

Is It The Truth?

The first mate on a ship decided to celebrate an occasion with a "little" stowed away rum. Unfortunately, he got drunk and was still drunk the next morning.

The captain saw him drunk and when the first mate was sober, showed him the following entry in the ship's log: "The first mate was drunk today."

"Captain, please don't let that stay in the log," the mate said. "This could add months or years to my becoming a captain myself."

"Is what I wrote true?" asked the captain, already knowing the answer.

"Yes, it's true." the mate said.

"Then if it is true it has to go in the log. That's the rule. If it's true, it goes into the log, end of discussion," said the captain sternly.

Weeks later, it was the first mate's turn to make the log entries. So the first mate wrote: "The ship seems in good shape. The Captain was sober today."

Jokes aside, people can make things say or appear to be whatever they want them to say or be. The reality is that we see things not the way they are but the way we are. And the more untruthful (dishonest) we are with ourselves, the more we will distort all other truth, including God's truth, to make it match our perception of reality and to have it say what we want it to say. In other words we exchange the truth for a lie.

Not all, but many politicians are masters of deceit. They pull things out of context and twist them to appear what they are not. They make promises they cannot keep. They accuse political opponents of not fixing problems that they themselves have no way of fixing—all to gain votes. Far too many politicians have become unbelievable. What we need today, as another has said, are statesmen, not politicians.

Only the truth will ever set us free.

When I Am An Old Lady, I'll Live With My Kids

When I'm an old lady, I'll live with each kid,
And bring so much happiness... just as they did.
I want to pay back all the joy they've provided.
Returning each deed! Oh, they'll be so excited!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

I'll write on the wall with reds, whites and blues,
And I'll bounce on the furniture... wearing my shoes.
I'll drink from the carton and then leave it out.
I'll stuff all the toilets and oh, how they'll shout!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

When they're on the phone and just out of reach,
I'll get into things like sugar and bleach.
Oh, they'll snap their fingers and then shake their head,
And when that is done I'll hide under the bed.
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

When they cook dinner and call me to eat,
I'll not eat my green beans or salad or meat,
I'll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table,
And when they get angry...I'll run...if I'm able!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

I'll sit close to the TV, through the channels I'll click,
I'll cross both eyes just to see if they stick.
I'll take off my socks and throw one away,
And play in the mud 'til the end of the day!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

And later in bed, I'll lay back and sigh,
I'll thank God in prayer and then close my eyes.
My kids will look down with a smile slowly creeping,
And say with a groan, 'She's so sweet when she's sleeping!'

~ Joanne Bailey Baxter, Lorain, OH