Welcome to Albert's Sermon Illustrations

In this blog, I have collected many stories, quotes, jokes and ideas that I use regularly in my sermons.I have tried to put in the sources and origins of these illustrations. If I have missed some or gotten the wrong sources, please let me know. I will update them. Feel free to use these illustrations for the glory of God. If you have some illustrations that you like to contribute, kindly add them to my blog, so that I and others may benefit from them. God bless!
Reverend Albert Kang

P/S: This is a free site and thus it has advertisements that are not in the blogger's control. If some of them are offensive, please ignore them. Thank you for your understanding.

Monday, February 24, 2020

Marriage Jokes


Marriage Jokes Can Be Very Enlightening. While they make you laugh, they also help you to realize your flaws and mistakes. Do not expect your spouse to make the changes. That will be a great mistake. After reading all these jokes, you must decide to change yourself.
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While getting married, most of the guys would say to the girl's parents, "I will keep your daughter happy for the rest of her life".

Have you ever heard a girl saying something like this to the boy's parents like, "I will keep your son happy for the rest of his life"?

No. Because women don't tell lies!

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There was an argument between a couple that threatened to turn violent.

Husband: "Don’t you force me and let the animal in me come out!"

Wife: "Really? Who’s afraid of a mouse?"
            
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If a wife wants her husband’s attention, she just needs to look sad and uncomfortable.

If a husband wants his wife’s attention, he just needs to look very comfortable and happy.
            
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A philosopher once said that "Every wife is a "Mistress" of her husband.
During the first year of marriage, she will be so loving and would "MISS" him.
In subsequent years, the wife would "STRESS" him and that will be for the rest of his life.
            
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Do you remember the tingling feeling when you said the marriage vow during your wedding?

That was the "common sense" leaving your body.
            
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Son: Dad, l got selected for a role in a play for the Annual Day!

Dad: What role would you be playing?

Son: A husband!

Dad: Stupid, ask for a role with dialogues!
            
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A man outside the phone booth: “Excuse me, you have been holding the phone for 29 minutes and you haven’t spoken a word”.

The man inside the phone booth: “I am talking to my wife!”
           
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A very intelligent girl was asked about the meaning of marriage. She said, “Marriage is sacrificing the admiration of hundreds of guys, just to face the criticism of one idiot.”
           
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The position of a husband is just like a split air-conditioner unit. No matter how loud he is outdoor, he is designed to remain silent indoor!
            
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A husband was giving advice to his wife: "You should learn to embrace your mistakes."

So, immediately she hugged and embraced him.

Wednesday, January 29, 2020

Major Decision


A married couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. At the party, everybody wanted to know how they managed to stay married so long in this day and age. 
The husband responded, “When we were first married we came to an agreement. I would make all the major decisions and my wife would make all the minor decisions. 
And in 60 years of marriage, we have never needed to make a major decision.”

Just Pull The Plug


A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a living will.
“Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug,” the man said. 
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.

Thursday, December 19, 2019

This Is Jesus Checking In

Image result for old man praying
A Pastor passing through his church in the middle of the day decided to pause by the altar and see who had come to pray.

Just then the back door opened, a man came down the aisle. The Pastor frowned as he saw the man hadn't shaved in a while. His shirt was kinda shabby and his coat was worn and frayed. The man knelt, he bowed his head, then rose and walked away.

In the days that followed, each noon time came this man. Each time he knelt just for a moment, a lunch pail in his lap.

The Pastor's suspicion grew, with robbery a main fear. He decided to stop the man and ask him, "What are you doing here?"

The old man said that he worked down the road. Lunch was half an hour. Lunchtime was his prayer time, for finding strength and power.

"I stay only moments, see, because the factory is so far away; As I kneel here talking to the Lord, this is kinda what I say: 'I JUST CAME AGAIN TO TELL YOU, LORD, HOW HAPPY I'VE BEEN, SINCE WE FOUND EACH OTHER'S FRIENDSHIP AND YOU TOOK AWAY MY SIN. DON'T KNOW MUCH OF HOW TO PRAY, BUT I THINK ABOUT YOU EVERY DAY. SO, JESUS, THIS IS JIM, CHECKING IN TODAY.'"

The Pastor feeling foolish told Jim, that it was fine for him to visit the Church every day. He told the man he was welcome to come and pray just anytime.

Time to go, Jim smiled, said "Thanks." He hurried to the door. The minister knelt at the altar, he'd never done it before. His cold heart melted, warmed with love, and met with Jesus there. As the tears flowed, in his heart, he repeated old Jim's prayer:

"I JUST CAME AGAIN TO TELL YOU, LORD, HOW HAPPY I'VE BEEN, SINCE WE FOUND EACH OTHER'S FRIENDSHIP AND YOU TOOK AWAY MY SIN.

I DON'T KNOW MUCH OF HOW TO PRAY, BUT I THINK ABOUT YOU EVERY DAY. SO, JESUS, THIS IS ALBERT CHECKING IN TODAY."

Past noon one day, the Pastor noticed that old Jim hadn't come. As more days passed without Jim appearing, he began to worry that something might have happened to the man.

At the factory, he asked about him, learning he was ill. The hospital staff was worried, but he'd given them a thrill. The week that Jim was with them, brought changes in the ward. His smile has a joy contagious. Changed people, were his reward.

The head nurse couldn't understand why Jim was so glad when no flowers, calls or cards came, not a visitor he had. The minister stayed by his bed, he voiced the nurse's concern: No friends came to show they cared. He had nowhere to turn.

Looking surprised, old Jim spoke up and with a winsome smile; "the nurse is wrong, she couldn't know, that in here all the while every day at noon He's here, a dear friend of mine, you see, He sits right down, takes my hand, leans over and says to me:

"I JUST CAME AGAIN TO TELL YOU, JIM, HOW HAPPY I HAVE BEEN, SINCE WE FOUND THIS FRIENDSHIP, AND I TOOK AWAY YOUR SIN.

ALWAYS LOVE TO HEAR YOU PRAY, I THINK ABOUT YOU EACH DAY,

AND SO JIM, THIS IS JESUS CHECKING IN TODAY."

Wednesday, November 27, 2019

Releasing The Donkey

Image result for donkey tied to tree

A donkey was tied to a tree. A demon came and released him. The donkey entered the field of a farmer and began to eat everything. 

The farmer’s wife saw the donkey and was afraid that it would destroy the farm, took the rifle and killed it.

The donkey’s owner saw the dead donkey, got angry and also took his rifle and fired at the farmer's wife, killing her. 

When the farmer came home and saw that his wife was dead, he killed the donkey's owner.

The sons of the donkey owner, upon seeing that their father was dead, they burned the farmer's field. 

The farmer, in retaliation, shot and killed all of them.

The farmer was arrested and went to the gallow. 

When all the dead souls in hell asked the demon what he had done, the demon said:

"I did nothing evil, I just released the donkey."

Did you get it? The devil does not need to do much, and he is able to trigger the evil intention of human hearts to harm each other. 

So, let's consider carefully before seeking revenge! Be careful with how you respond to any situation because the only thing the devil needs to do is to“release the donkey”.

Friday, October 25, 2019

The Empty Chair

Image may contain: people sitting and indoor
An old Scotsman was quite ill and the family called for their minister. As he entered the sick room and sat down, he noticed another chair on the opposite side of the bed, a chair which had also been drawn close. 

The pastor said, “Well, Donald, I see I’m not your first visitor for the day.”

The old man looked up, was puzzled for a moment, then recognized from the nod of the head that the pastor had noticed the empty chair. 

“Well, Pastor, I’ll tell you about that chair. Many years ago, I found it quite difficult to pray, so one day I shared this problem with my pastor at the time. He told me not to worry about kneeling or about placing myself in some pious posture. Instead, he said, ‘Just sit down, put a chair opposite you, and imagine Jesus sitting in it. Then talk with him as you would a friend.’” The old Scot then added, “I’ve been doing that ever since.”

A short time later the daughter of the Scot called the pastor. When he answered, she informed him that her father had died very suddenly and she was quite shaken, for she had no idea death was so near. 

Then she continued, “I had just gone to lie down for an hour or two, for he seemed to be sleeping so comfortably. When I went back, he was dead.” Then she added thoughtfully, “Except now his hand was on the empty chair at the side of the bed. Isn’t that strange?” 

And the minister said, “No, it’s not strange at all.”

- F W Boreham, 'The Green Chair', Rubble and Roseleaves. Also told by Leslie Weatherhead, The Transforming Friendship: A Book about Jesus and Ourselves (New York: Abingdon Classics, 1990), 46-7.

Monday, August 12, 2019

The Pet Rattlesnake


A newspaper told the story of a man in Arkansas who had a pet rattlesnake. The man found the snake as a baby. He took it, fed it, and made it a pet. 
The reptile would come when he whistled, it would eat from his fingers, and it would coil around his arm and let him stroke its head with the palm of his hand or with the tips of his fingers. 
One day he took the snake to town to show it to his friends. They marvelled at its gentleness –marvelled that it would eat from his hand. Satisfied that he had impressed his friends the man went back home with his pet snake. 
When he arrived home, suddenly, with only the slightest provocation, the reptile became angry. That “pet” rattler buried its fangs into the man’s arm. In a few hours, the man was dead. In one quick instant, through that “friendly” serpent’s poisonous fangs, that man met death! 
Two days after that, this man who should have been sitting with his family in their humble but happy home was sleeping in the mud of an Arkansas grave. 
With such dread cometh such an hour to every man and woman who makes a pet of sin! 
(Robert G. Lee, Whirlwinds of God).