Putting Out The Fire

A man slaughtered a large cow to celebrate his birthday, lit the grill, and said to his son, "Son", call our loved ones and neighbors to eat with us. let us feast!"

His son took to the street and started shouting: "Please help us put out a fire at our house!"

After a few moments, a small group of people came out, and the rest acted like they didn't hear the cry for help. 

Those who came ate and celebrated.

After the feast, the confused father turned to his son and said to him:

"Who were those people who came to celebrate with us? I hardly knew a single one of them. Where were our friends, relatives, and loved ones?"

The son said, "Those who celebrated were the people who quickly responded to my cry for help. I shouted that there was a fire at our house but said nothing about the celebration. So, those who came to help were also surprised that the fire was your barbeque fire. They deserved to enjoy a great feast and new friendship. 

Moral of the story: Not all your friends and relatives are true friends and relatives. 

New Pastor Walks On Water

The congregation was not certain that the new pastor could do all that the previous, older pastor had done. The Pastor Search Committee decided to put him to the test. 

After the service, everyone went out to the local lake for a picnic. 

After loading all of the picnic supplies into a large boat, the congregation climbed aboard and began to cross the lake to an island. 

Halfway across the lake a member stood up and said, "Oh no, we have forgotten the hot dogs. Someone will have to swim back and get them." 

Realizing he was being put to the test, the new pastor got out of the boat, walked across the water, and retrieved the hot dogs. 

Most of the congregation was stunned but one critic said, "See, I told you, they didn't even send us one who could swim." 

Marriage Jokes

Marriage Jokes Can Be Very Enlightening. While they make you laugh, they also help you to realize your flaws and mistakes. Do not expect your spouse to make the changes. That will be a great mistake. After reading all these jokes, you must decide to change yourself.
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While getting married, most of the guys would say to the girl's parents, "I will keep your daughter happy for the rest of her life".

Have you ever heard a girl saying something like this to the boy's parents like, "I will keep your son happy for the rest of his life"?

No. Because women don't tell lies!

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There was an argument between a couple that threatened to turn violent.

Husband: "Don’t you force me and let the animal in me come out!"

Wife: "Really? Who’s afraid of a mouse?"
            
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If a wife wants her husband’s attention, she just needs to look sad and uncomfortable.

If a husband wants his wife’s attention, he just needs to look very comfortable and happy.
            
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A philosopher once said that "Every wife is a "Mistress" of her husband.
During the first year of marriage, she will be so loving and would "MISS" him.
In subsequent years, the wife would "STRESS" him and that will be for the rest of his life.
            
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Do you remember the tingling feeling when you said the marriage vow during your wedding?

That was the "common sense" leaving your body.
            
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Son: Dad, l got selected for a role in a play for the Annual Day!

Dad: What role would you be playing?

Son: A husband!

Dad: Stupid, ask for a role with dialogues!
            
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A man outside the phone booth: “Excuse me, you have been holding the phone for 29 minutes and you haven’t spoken a word”.

The man inside the phone booth: “I am talking to my wife!”
           
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A very intelligent girl was asked about the meaning of marriage. She said, “Marriage is sacrificing the admiration of hundreds of guys, just to face the criticism of one idiot.”
           
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The position of a husband is just like a split air-conditioner unit. No matter how loud he is outdoor, he is designed to remain silent indoor!
            
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A husband was giving advice to his wife: "You should learn to embrace your mistakes."

So, immediately she hugged and embraced him.

Just Pull The Plug

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a living will.
“Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug,” the man said. 
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.

Sending Sons To Israel

A Jewish businessman in Chicago sent his son to Israel for a year to absorb the culture and upon his return, he said, "Papa, I had a great time in Israel, and by the way, I converted to Christianity."

"Oy Vey," said the father, "What have I done?" So he took his problem to his best friend. 

"Ike," he said, "I sent my son to Israel, and he came home a Christian. What can I do?"

"Funny you should ask," said Ike. "I, too, sent my son to Israel, and he also came home a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the Rabbi."

"Funny you should ask," said the Rabbi. "I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came home a Christian. What is happening to our young people?" 

Then they prayed, telling God about their sons, and asking Him what to do when suddenly, a voice came booming from the Heavens!

"Funny you should ask," said the voice. "I, too, sent my Son to Israel... "

Upside Down World

During Hollywood's golden years there were many people in the film industry who were known for their practical jokes. One of the best known and most creative of these was a fellow by the name of Jack McDermott.

McDermott had a house replete with secret tunnels and sliding panels. The house featured a hidden room which was upside down. The rugs and furniture were fastened to the ceiling; and the drapes, pictures and even the fireplace were upside down. The floor had an elaborate chandelier thrust upwards from its center. When a house guest would have too much to drink, McDermott would take him into this special room and place him on the floor. You can imagine what it felt like to wake up there.

In contrast to the values of today's world Christians seem to live in a room that is upside down. When we are faithful to our beliefs we seem out of step with everyone else. Our faithfulness is paramount.

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Lord Jesus, it is not easy living in this upside down world. Remind me often that my home is with you. Amen.

Crazy Laws

It was not uncommon in the Middle Ages for animals to be tried in courts of law. These prosecutions were based on the Biblical law of Moses which stated that, "If an ox gores a man or woman so that they die, then the ox shall be stoned and his flesh shall not be eaten". 

Horses, rats, pigs and even insects have been taken to court on various occasions. In 1445, at St. Julien, an action was taken against some beetles which had ravaged a vineyard. The insects declined to attend court, so the case fizzled out. 

In the 16th century, a clothes moth was put on trial in Spain, charged with destroying a valuable tapestry. Actually, it was innocent; it was the larvae who were the real culprits. But the moth was found guilty anyway and sentenced to have its throat cut. 

In France in 1314, a bull was hanged for goring a man and in 1457, a sow and her six young piglets were sentenced to death for eating a child. The sow was executed, but the piglets got off on account of their youth. 

Humans have passed all sorts of stupid laws - and still do. But there's never been a law against "love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control".

LETTERS TO PASTORS FROM CHILDREN

Below are letters that children have written to their pastor.

Dear Pastor:

Please say in your sermon Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete, age 9

Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class.—Carla, age 10

I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Yours Sincerely, Arnold, age 8

I’m sorry I can’t leave more money in the plate, but my father didn’t give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance? Love Patty, age 10

My mother is very religious. She goes to lay bingo at church every week even if she has a cold. Your truly, Annette, age 9

I would like to go to Heaven someday because I know my brother won’t be there.—Stephen, age 8

I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland.—Loreen, age 9

Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God’s help, or a new pitcher. Thank you, Alexander, age 10

My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don’t think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house.—Joshua, age 10

How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers? Sincerely, Marie, age 9

I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished.—Ralph, age 11

I hope to go to Heaven some day but later than sooner. Love Ellen, age 9

My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something.—Robert, age 11

Karate Dog

A young couple lived in a town filled with crime.

After three neighbors had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog.

Visiting the pet store, the young wife asked for a good guard dog.

"Sorry, we're all sold out," the clerk replied. "All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But he does know karate!"

The woman didn't believe the clerk, so he told the dog to karate a chair. The dog broke the chair into pieces. Then he told the dog to karate a table, and the dog quickly broke the table in half. So the woman bought the dog and took it home.

Her husband was disappointed and skeptical about the Scottie dog's abilities as a guard dog.

The wife told him about the dog's excellent karate skills.

"Karate, my butt!" the husband yelled.

To this very day, he is still in the hospital.

Chair of Applied Electronics

The Smith's were proud of their family tradition; their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower and also included many Senators and Wall Street wizards.

When they decided to compile a family history as a legacy reminder for their children and grandchildren they hired a fine author. Only one problem arose and that was how to handle that great-uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair.

The author said he could handle the story tactfully.

The book appeared. It said "Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock."

The Pigs Don't!

A Christian farmer spent the day in the city.

In a restaurant for his meal, he sat near a group of young men. After he bowed his head to give thanks for his food, one of the young men thought he would embarrass the old gentleman.

"Hey, farmer, does everyone do that out where you live?"

The old man calmly replied, "No, son, the pigs don't!"

The Proud Flying Frog

"Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall." Proverbs 16:18

In the devotional book, Today in the Word, the writer tells the fable about a frog and a duck who shared a pond. They developed a close friendship as they talked and played together. But when the hot summer sun began to evaporate the water in the pond, the duck decided to fly to a larger body of water. Not wanting to be left alone, the frog suggested that his friend and another duck hold a stick in their bills so he could hang onto it with his mouth. In that way they could all fly to another pond.

As the three were flying high overhead a farmer looked up, saw the frog clinging to the stick by his mouth, and exclaimed, "What a brilliant idea! I wonder who thought of that?" Without hesitation the frog said, "I did!" And he was done!

Any Doctors In The House?

A strained voice called out through the darkened theater, "Please, is there a doctor in the house?"

Several men stood up as the lights came on.

An older lady pulled her daughter to stand next to her, "Good, are any of you doctors single and interested in a date with a nice girl?"

Highly Complex Plan For Mars Travel

A NASA official involved in space exploration was talking to a reporter about humans landing on Mars. The reporter was concerned about how they would be able to return to earth.

"That involves a highly complex plan," the space official said. "It begins with the words, 'Our Father who art in Heaven.'"

DO YOU KNOW HOW TO PRAY?

I heard a story of a ship that was sinking in the middle of a storm, and the captain called out to the crew and said, "Does anyone here know how to pray?"

One man stepped forward and said, "Yes sir, I know how to pray."

The captain said, "Wonderful, you pray while the rest of us put on life jackets--we're one short."

Author unknown. Taken from pastorlife.com.

Old Golf's Buddy

There was once an elderly gentleman who loved playing golf. But he was almost eighty, and his vision was not very good anymore. He always had partners with him when he went out to play so they could watch his ball and tell him where it went. 

One day his buddies did not show up. It was a beautiful day for golf, and as he waited at the clubhouse he got more and more upset that he wasn't going to get to play his round. 

Another elderly man in the clubhouse saw him and asked, “What’s wrong?” The man explained his predicament: “I was really looking forward to playing golf today. But I don’t see very well anymore, so I need someone to watch the ball after I hit.” 

The second man was even older than he was, but he said, “That’s no problem. I’ll be glad to ride around with you. I’ve got 20/20 vision. I can see like a hawk. You just hit the ball, and I’ll watch it fly right down the fairway.” 

So they went out on the first tee, and the old man hit the ball right down the center. He turned to his spotter. “Did you see it?” 

The man replied, “I saw it all the way until it stopped rolling.” “Well, where did it go?” 

The older man paused for a moment and then said, “I forgot.”

God IS Watching

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. 

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted it on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching. "

Moving farther along the lunch line, at the end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. 

A child had written a note: "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

How Different Churches Solve Their Problem With Squirrels

There were three country churches in a small Texas town: the Presbyterian church, the Lutheran church and the Catholic church.

Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

The Catholic group got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creations. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

It was only the Lutherans who were able to come up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church.

Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Classic Church Feuds

Church feuds are not uncommon, especially among cliques in the congregation. But when the pastor and choir director get into it, stand aside.

One week our preacher preached on commitment, and how we should dedicate ourselves to service. The director then led the choir in singing, 'I Shall Not Be Moved.'

The next Sunday, the preacher preached on giving and how we should gladly give to the work of the Lord. The choir director then led the song, 'Jesus Paid It All.'

The next Sunday, the preacher preached on gossiping and how we should watch our tongues. The hymn was 'I Love To Tell The Story.'

The preacher became disgusted over the situation and the next Sunday he told the congregation he was considering resigning. The choir then sang 'Oh, Why Not Tonight.'

When the preacher resigned the next week he told the church that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was taking him away. The choir then sang, 'What A Friend We Have in Jesus.'

Attractive Wife

Amy and Jamie are old friends. They have both been married to their husbands for a long time.

One day Amy was upset because she thought her husband didn't find her attractive anymore.

"As I get older he doesn't bother to look at me!" Amy cried.

"I'm so sorry for you, as I get older my husband says I get more beautiful every day." replied Jamie.

"Yes," answered Amy, "but your husband's an antique dealer!"