Let Me Tell You How I Save Myself!

The first thing we need to understand is we cannot save ourselves. Imagine being on a ship in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean and falling overboard. Because no one saw you fall in, the ship continues toward its destination, leaving you hopelessly stranded.  

After treading water for several hours, you find yourself surrounded by sharks. You face certain death at any moment. Exhausted from trying to stay afloat, you slip underwater and begin to drown. Somehow, you force your way to the surface for one more gasp of air.

As you are about to go under for the last time, a helicopter appears miraculously out of nowhere. The rescue squad inside the helicopter throws out a rope and lassos your hand, pulling you out of the water just seconds before the sharks move in for the kill. The helicopter flies you back to shore, where you receive treatment in the hospital.

After you recover, you begin to brag about how you saved yourself.  "I'm really proud of my hand. This hand saved me. Let me tell you how I found the helicopter in the middle of the ocean...."

           

Just like we can't save ourselves if we were stranded in the Atlantic, we are also helpless to save ourselves from hell. God doesn't want our help, either.  Because Jesus does all of the saving, we have no right to brag about anything we have done.  

 "For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, that no one should boast" (Ephesians 2:8-9).  

(Kent Crockett, The 911 Handbook, Peabody, MA: Hendrickson Publishers, 2003, 221)

Ironside's Dog

H.A. Ironside had an experience with a customer in a crowded restaurant. Just as Ironside was about to begin his meal, a man approached and asked if he could join him at his table. Ironside invited his to have a seat.

Then, as was his custom, Ironside bowed his head in prayer. 

When he opened his eyes, the other man asked, "Do you have a headache?" 

Ironside replied, "No, I don't." 

The other man asked, "Well, is there something wrong with your food?" 

Ironside replied, "No, I was simply thanking God as I always do before I eat." 

The man said, "Oh, you're one of those, are you? Well, I want you to know I never give thanks. I earn my money by the sweat of my brow and I don't have to give thanks to anybody when I eat. I just start right in!" 

Ironside said, "Yes, you're just like my dog. That's what he does too".

Do You Know Me, Mrs. Jones?

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma questions if they aren't prepared for the answers.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, ' Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

Squirting At Niagara Falls

One of my favorite cartoons shows a boy standing in the very front of the boat called “The Maid of the Mist.” 

This boat carries sightseers so close to Niagara Falls that they must wear raingear to keep from being drenched by the spray. Wearing his raincoat and hat, the boy stood at the front of the boat, squirting a water pistol at the falls. 

People can be like that; they aim criticisms at the Bible. Nevertheless, in the light of the Bible's continuing witness to the righteousness and love of God, any attempt to discredit its message is like squirting a water pistol at Niagara Falls.

Cleaning With Killer Soaps

At their school carnival, our kids won four free goldfish (lucky us!), so out I went Saturday morning to find an aquarium. The first few I priced ranged from $40 to $70. Then I spotted it--right in the aisle: a discarded 10-gallon display tank, complete with gravel and filter--f or a mere five bucks. Sold! Of course, it was nasty dirty, but the savings made the two hours of clean-up a breeze. 

Those four new fish looked great in their new home, at least for the first day. But by Sunday one had died. Too bad, but three remained. Monday morning revealed a second casualty, and by Monday night a third goldfish had gone belly up. 

We called in an expert, a member of our church who has a 30-gallon tank. It didn't take him long to discover the problem: I had washed the tank with soap, an absolute no-no. My uninformed efforts had destroyed the very lives I was trying to protect. 

Sometimes in our zeal to clean up our own lives or the lives of others, we unfortunately use "killer soaps"-- condemnation, criticism, nagging, fits of temper. We think we're doing right, but our harsh, self-righteous treatment is more than they can bear.

Richard L. Dunagin