Marriage Jokes

Marriage Jokes Can Be Very Enlightening. While they make you laugh, they also help you to realize your flaws and mistakes. Do not expect your spouse to make the changes. That will be a great mistake. After reading all these jokes, you must decide to change yourself.
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While getting married, most of the guys would say to the girl's parents, "I will keep your daughter happy for the rest of her life".

Have you ever heard a girl saying something like this to the boy's parents like, "I will keep your son happy for the rest of his life"?

No. Because women don't tell lies!

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There was an argument between a couple that threatened to turn violent.

Husband: "Don’t you force me and let the animal in me come out!"

Wife: "Really? Who’s afraid of a mouse?"
            
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If a wife wants her husband’s attention, she just needs to look sad and uncomfortable.

If a husband wants his wife’s attention, he just needs to look very comfortable and happy.
            
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A philosopher once said that "Every wife is a "Mistress" of her husband.
During the first year of marriage, she will be so loving and would "MISS" him.
In subsequent years, the wife would "STRESS" him and that will be for the rest of his life.
            
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Do you remember the tingling feeling when you said the marriage vow during your wedding?

That was the "common sense" leaving your body.
            
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Son: Dad, l got selected for a role in a play for the Annual Day!

Dad: What role would you be playing?

Son: A husband!

Dad: Stupid, ask for a role with dialogues!
            
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A man outside the phone booth: “Excuse me, you have been holding the phone for 29 minutes and you haven’t spoken a word”.

The man inside the phone booth: “I am talking to my wife!”
           
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A very intelligent girl was asked about the meaning of marriage. She said, “Marriage is sacrificing the admiration of hundreds of guys, just to face the criticism of one idiot.”
           
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The position of a husband is just like a split air-conditioner unit. No matter how loud he is outdoor, he is designed to remain silent indoor!
            
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A husband was giving advice to his wife: "You should learn to embrace your mistakes."

So, immediately she hugged and embraced him.

Coffee In Bed

As Barb was getting to know David and his family, she was very impressed by how much his parents loved each other.

"They're so thoughtful," Barb said. "Why, your dad even brings your mom a cup of hot coffee in bed every morning."

After a time, Barb and David were engaged, and then married. On the way from the wedding to the reception, Barb again remarked on David's loving parents, and even the coffee in bed.

"Tell me," she said, "does it run in the family?"

"It sure does," replied David. "And I take after my mom."

Would You Remarry?

A wife asks her husband, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?"

"After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship."

"If I died and you remarried," the wife asks, "would she live in this house?"

"We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would."

"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house," the wife asks, "would she sleep in our bed?"

"Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess she would."

"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?"...

"Oh, no," the husband replies. "She's left-handed."

A Can of Peach

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shoplifting.

When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" she replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied, "Six."

The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

He said, "What is it?"

The husband said "She also stole a can of peas."

50 Years Felt Like 5 Minutes

On an airplane, I overheard a stewardess talking to an elderly couple in front of me. Learning that it was the couple's 50th wedding anniversary, the flight attendant congratulated them and asked how they had done it.

"It all felt like five minutes..." the gentleman said slowly.

The stewardess had just begun to remark on what a sweet statement that was when he finished his sentence with a word that earned him a sharp smack on the head:

"...underwater."

Hawaii Pronunciation

Morris and his wife Sherry were planning a vacation. They ended up in an argument.

"It's pronounced 'Hawaii', I'm telling you!" Sherry said.

"I never KNEW someone so stubborn! 'Havaii' is how it's pronounced!" he replied.

And so it went, all the way to the vacation. As they got off the airplane, they passed by a man. Morris abruptly stopped his wife and turned to the man to ask, "Now that we're on the island, you can settle an argument between my wife and me. Is this 'Hawaii' or 'Havaii?'"

"This is Havaii," the man replied.

"Ha!" the husband gloated to his wife. "See, didn't I tell you never to argue with me?"

As they began to walk away, Morris turned back and gave the man a hearty "Thank you!"

"You're velcome!" he called back.

Future Price of Roses

The young man ahead of my father at the flower shop was taking an unusually long time to place his order.

When the clerk asked how she could help, he explained that his girlfriend was turning 19 and he couldn't decide whether to give her a dozen roses or 19 roses -- one for each year of her life.

The woman put aside her business judgment and advised, "She may be your 19-year-old girlfriend now, but someday she could be your 50-year-old wife."

The young man bought a dozen roses.

One Carton and Six Eggs

This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why on earth did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

You don't love me any more?

One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller. You don't love me any more?"

"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you just cook better now."