Welcome to Albert's Sermon Illustrations

In this blog, I have collected many stories, quotes, jokes and ideas that I use regularly in my sermons.I have tried to put in the sources and origins of these illustrations. If I have missed some or gotten the wrong sources, please let me know. I will update them. Feel free to use these illustrations for the glory of God. If you have some illustrations that you like to contribute, kindly add them to my blog, so that I and others may benefit from them. God bless!
Reverend Albert Kang

P/S: This is a free site and thus it has advertisements that are not in the blogger's control. If some of them are offensive, please ignore them. Thank you for your understanding.

Monday, December 31, 2012

Three Husbands' Attitudes Towards Leftovers:

Three wives were bemoaning their husbands' attitudes towards leftovers:

"It gets rough," one said. "My husband is a movie producer and he calls them reruns."

"You think you have it bad," was the reply. "Mine is a quality control engineer and he calls them rejects!"

"That's nothing compared to me," said the third lady. "My husband is a mortician. He calls them remains!"

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

What Is Your Hand?

Billy Graham tells the story about a little child was playing with a very valuable vase. He put his hand into it and could not withdraw it.

His father too, tried his best to get it out, to no avail.

They were thinking of breaking the vase when the father said, "Now my son, make one more try. Open your hand and hold your fingers out straight as you see me doing, and then pull."

To their astonishment the little fellow said, "Oh no, dad, I couldn't put my fingers out like that because if I did I would drop my dime."

Smile, if you will but thousands of us are like that little boy, so busy holding on to the world's worthless dimes that we cannot accept liberation.

Drop the trifles in your life.Surrender! Let go, and let God have His way in your life.

Getting All The Air Out Of The Glass

Speaking to a large audience, D.L. Moody held up a glass and asked, "How can I get the air out of this glass?"

One man shouted, "Suck it out with a pump!" 

Moody replied,"That would create a vacuum and shatter the glass."

After numerous other suggestions Moody smiled, picked up a pitcher of water, and filled the glass. "There," he said, "all the air is now removed."

He then went on to explain that victory in the Christian life is not accomplished by "sucking out a sin here and there," but by being filled with the Holy Spirit.

The point is, unless you're filled with the Holy Spirit, you'll continue to struggle with sins

Monday, December 17, 2012

Missionary and Toast

A missionary in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying his situation, he says quietly to himself, "I'm toast."

A ray of light breaks forth from the sky and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT toast. Pick up that stone in front of you and bash the head of the chief."

So the missionary picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the head of the chief, knocking him out. He is breathing heavily while standing above the sprawled out-chief.

Surrounding him are the 100 native warriors with a look of shock on their faces.

The voice booms out again: "Okay...NOW you're toast!"

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Honesty and Conscience

Honesty and Conscience

It's said that Abraham Lincoln once sized up the case of a prospective client as follows:

"You have a good case, technically, but in terms of justice and equity, it's got problems. So you'll have to look for another lawyer to handle the case, because the whole time I'd be up there talking to the jury, I'd be thinking, 'Lincoln, you're a liar!' and I might just forget myself and say it out loud."

Friday, December 7, 2012

Three Cigars

By Ron White
It was September 1862 and the fate of a nation was about to turn on three cigars serendipitously stumbled upon by a Union soldier, Sergeant Bloss. The stage was the Civil War, and the scene was that of a recently vacated rebel campfire. Bloss spotted an envelope with three cigars in it and was proud of his treasure. As there was a scamper to find a match to light the cigars, a piece of paper wrapped with the bounty was noticed. It was a find that would alter the course of the war.

The paper contained General Robert E. Lee’s battle plans and they had just fallen into his enemy’s fortunate hands. Lee’s soldiers were just coming off a victory at the second Battle of Bull Run and they needed to do two things. First, they had to keep the Union off balance. Second, they had to resupply their own forces. The scenario called for a daring move—just the kind of courage that made General Robert E. Lee famous more than a century after his death. His plan was to temporarily split his forces in an effort to pick up stragglers around the country as reinforcements and then reconvene for a bold move on the heart of the enemy at Philadelphia, Baltimore and Washington.

When the note was carried to General George McClellan, Commander-in-Chief of the Union Army, it was obvious what he was holding. If the note had not been found, Lee would have had a clear run to resupply and the war would have been over in weeks, if not days. Yet, because of this find, General McClellan also had an opportunity to end the war within days. With the knowledge that Lee had split his forces, McClellan could ambush each wing, divide the enemy and destroy them at his leisure. The war would still be over in days, yet now it would be a Union victory.

So what did McClellan do? As remarkable as it seems, he hesitated and did nothing. He performed no reconnaissance and issued no orders, and not a single one of his commanders dared tell him to do so. The forces did meet in a battle that headed off Lee’s resupply mission, and that battle was known as Antietam. The battle was a draw and the war continued for another four bloody years.

One hundred and forty years after this battle, we can look back and scoff at General McClellan’s inaction. How could someone hold the roadmap to success in his hands and fail to act? How could someone in a leadership position lack the courage to be bold? Knowing success was inevitable, how could nothing be done?

While it is true that General McClellan was ultimately replaced by a leader who was decisive and courageous (General Grant), we can learn a lot from McClellan.

You see, you also have three cigars in your hands with your enemy’s battle plans. The enemy is not foreign forces, instead the enemy is you. These battle plans tell you that you will win the war of success if you:

Educate yourself
Act decisively
Abandon the something for nothing mentality and work hard
Refuse the victim mindset and take responsibility for your life and success

You also hold the battle plans in your hands that will ensure your success. Yet, many, just as General George McClellan, will look at these orders and do nothing. Too many will not act. Too many will lack the courage and decisiveness to take responsibility for their success and instead lead lives of quiet desperation.

Read these battle orders LOUD and CLEAR—your success is GUARANTEED if you will only be determined to educate yourself, work hard, take responsibility and act!

The battle for success in life is in your hands. You have found it rolled with these metaphorical cigars. Success is not the elusive mystery that so many believe. It is the product of decisive actions, a lot of hard work and accepting responsibility for your life.

There you have it. You have the battle plans in front of you to ensure success. Now, what will you do? Will you hesitate and do nothing as General McClellan did? Or will you seize this opportunity to defeat the enemy and guarantee success for yourself?

The enemy is moving. There is no time to waste. You have the battle plans. March forth!

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

The Barber's Fault?

A preacher and an atheistic barber were once walking through the city slums.

Said the barber to the preacher: "This is why I cannot believe in a God of love. If God was as kind and loving as you say, He would not permit all this poverty, disease, and squalor. He would not allow these poor bums to be addicted to dope and other character-destroying habits. No, I cannot believe in a God who permits these things."

The minister was silent until they met a man who was especially unkept and filthy. His hair was hanging down his neck and he had a half-inch of stubble on his face.

Said the minister: "You can't be a very good barber or you wouldn't permit a man like that to continue living in this neighborhood without a haircut and a shave."

Indignantly the barber answered: "Why blame me for that man's condition? I can't help it that he is like that. He has never come in my shop. I could fix him up and make him look like a gentleman!"

Giving the barber a penetrating look, the minister said: "Then don't blame God for allowing the people to continue in their evil ways, when He is constantly inviting them to come and be saved."

Truth be told, God can't change you unless you step forward and ask God to help you change for the better.

English Subtitles Used In Hong Kong Movies

The following are actual English subtitles used in films from Hong Kong.

* I am darn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.

* Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.

* Gun wounds again?

* A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.

* I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken.

* Take my advice, or I'll spank you a lot.

* Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?

* I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!

* I will surround their house by myself.

* You daring lousy guy.

* Beat him out of recognizable shape!

* I have been scared silly too much lately.

* I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!

* Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.

* The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?

* The Americans will not save you for Christmas.

* Both of you will die when the sun hits the bell.

* You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.

Would You Swap Places With This Rich Guy?

A young man named Steve Walker walked into Zig Ziglar's office years ago. A friend of his had flown him down from Toronto because he wanted Steve to see Zig. He thought Steve needed a change.

Turns out Steve left for work at six in the morning, and he got home every night between ten and eleven. That was six days a week. On Sundays he was so exhausted he slept all day.

He had no family life. He was so tired he had run off the road two or three times driving back and forth the 20 or 30 miles he had to go to his job. His wife was threatening to divorce him. Everything in this guy's life was falling apart - the whole nine yards.

Steve's friend had forewarned Zig of all this, and when Zig met with Steve, he discovered his boss was the person he looked up to the most.

"Why is that?" Zig asked him.

"Most successful man I've ever seen."

"Okay,” Zig said, "let's look at your boss. Here's what I want you to do. I want you to give your boss a plus or a minus grade on all the questions I'm going to ask you."


He asked, "Steve, how happy is your boss?"

Steve thought a minute. "I never really thought about it until now, but I don't think he's happy at all."

"Well, we'll give him a minus on that, right?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"Why do you say you don't think he's happy?"

"Well, uh, number one, I've never heard him laugh. He seldom smiles, and besides that he has ulcers."

"Well, let's see now, that tells me something about his health. Do we give him a plus or minus on that?"

"Oh, that looks like a minus."

Zig said, "If he's got ulcers, that tells me something about his peace of mind. Do we give him a plus or a minus?"

"I'd say another minus."

"Okay," Zig continued. "How prosperous is your boss?"

He said, "Man, he's got money running out of his ears. That's why he's my role model."

"I guess we give him a big old plus on that one."

"Absolutely!" said Steve.

Zig said, "How secure is he?"

"Well, he's as secure as money can make you."

"We had some billionaire brothers here in Dallas who went bankrupt. How does your boss compare?"

"He doesn't have that kind of money."

"We had an industrialist here who was worth half a billion. Does he have that kind of money?"

"No way."

"We had another one, a former governor worth a hundred million at one time. He's bankrupt. How does your boss compare?"

Steve said, "Oh, man, he doesn't have that kind of money."

"Well, I don't want to give him a plus, I don't want to give him a minus. What about a question mark? Would that be fair?"

"I never thought I would say this," he said, "but that would be more than fair."

"How many friends does your boss have?"

Steve pondered for a moment. "Really, I don't think he has any. I'm not his friend; I just admire him because he's so successful. To tell you the truth, the guy's somewhat of a jerk."

"Well, we're sure going to give him a minus on that, aren't we?"

He sighed, "Once again, yes."

Zig said, "Tell me about his family."

"Well, his wife's divorcing him."

"Then we have to give him a minus for that."

"Yes we do. I can't believe it! He's getting a minus on everything."

"How much hope does he have for the future?"

"Well, before I started talking to you, I thought he had lots. But now I don't think he has any real hope."

"Well," Zig said, "another minus."


"Steve, let me ask you a question. Of the eight things everybody wants, your boss gets a minus on six, a plus on one, and a question mark on one. Knowing what you know,
would you swap places with him?"