Welcome to Albert's Sermon Illustrations

In this blog, I have collected many stories, quotes, jokes and ideas that I use regularly in my sermons.I have tried to put in the sources and origins of these illustrations. If I have missed some or gotten the wrong sources, please let me know. I will update them. Feel free to use these illustrations for the glory of God. If you have some illustrations that you like to contribute, kindly add them to my blog, so that I and others may benefit from them. God bless!
Reverend Albert Kang

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Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Accuracy Excuse

There was a knock at the door. It was a small boy, about seven years old. Something of his had found its way into my garage, he said, and he wanted it back.

Upon opening the garage door, I noticed two additions a baseball and a broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole.

"How do you suppose this ball got in here?" I asked the boy.

Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one look at me, the boy exclaimed, "Wow! I must have thrown it right through that hole."

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Squeeze The Lemon

There’s a story about a local fitness center, which was offering $1,000 to anyone who could demonstrate that they were stronger than the owner of the place. Here’s how it worked. This muscle man would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and then hand the lemon to the next challenger. Anyone who could squeeze just one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people tried over time ­ other weightlifters, construction workers, even professional wrestlers, but nobody could do it.

One day a short and skinny guy came in and signed up for the contest. After the laughter died down, the owner grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains to the little man.

The crowd’s laughter turned to silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the owner paid out the winning prize and asked the short guy what he did for a living. “Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?”

”No,” The man replied, “I work for the IRS.

The Horse Thief

A man in the old west was being tried for stealing a horse and, as you probably know from reading history, this was a very serious offense. You could be hung if you were caught stealing a horse. 

Now, the problem with this situation was that the man whose horse had been stolen had gotten the best of every person on the jury at one time or another. Each one of them had been swindled, cheated, or conned in some way by the plaintiff. And so the case was tried. 

The man whose horse had been stolen was sitting there and the judge asked the foreman of the jury, "Have you reached a verdict?" And the chairman said, "Yes we have, your honor." After a few moments of silence the chairman spoke and he said, "We find the defendant not guilty, if he will return the horse!" 

Laughter broke out, and so after the judge silenced everybody in the courtroom, he admonished the jury, "I can't accept that verdict. You have to retire until you reach another one." So they went back into the jury room and thought about how to render the verdict. 

Each jury-member thought about how the plaintiff, at one time or another, had gotten the best of them. So an hour later, the same thing happened. "Gentlemen of the jury have you reached a verdict?" the judge asked again. "Yes we have your honor," replied the foreman. "What say ye? What is your verdict?" 

The courtroom was deathly silent. You could have heard a pin drop. Eagerly, everyone awaited the verdict. The foreman stood and said, "We find the defendant not guilty and he can keep the horse!" The courtroom burst into laughter again. 

After hearing this story, you can come away from it thinking, "Well, what's the moral of the story?" If you cheat people and if you do wrong by people, sooner or later you are going to get yours? If you desire to be a friend, then you had better be a friend? If you desire other people to help you then you better help others? And if you desire justice at the hands of others, then you better practice justice towards them? 
George Antonakos

Friday, March 25, 2011

50 Things Everyone Should Know

  1. The word "queue" is the only word in the English language that is still pronounced the same way when the last four letters are removed.
  2. Beetles taste like apples, wasps like pine nuts, and worms like fried bacon.
  3. Of all the words in the English language, the word 'set' has the most definitions!
  4. What is called a "French kiss" in the English speaking world is known as an "English kiss" in France.
  5. "Almost" is the longest word in the English language with all the letters in alphabetical order.
  6. "Rhythm" is the longest English word without a vowel.
  7. In 1386, a pig in France was executed by public hanging for the murder of a child
  8. A cockroach can live several weeks with its head cut off!Human thigh bones are stronger than concrete.
  9. You can't kill yourself by holding your breath
  10. There is a city called Rome on every continent.
  11. It's against the law to have a pet dog in Iceland!
  12. Your heart beats over 100,000 times a day!
  13. Horatio Nelson, one of England's most illustrious admirals was throughout his life, never able to find a cure for his sea-sickness.
  14. The skeleton of Jeremy Bentham is present at all important meetings of the University of London
  15. Right handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people
  16. Your ribs move about 5 million times a year, everytime you breathe!
  17. The elephant is the only mammal that can't jump!
  18. One quarter of the bones in your body, are in your feet!
  19. Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different!
  20. The first known transfusion of blood was performed as early as 1667, when Jean-Baptiste, transfused two pints of blood from a sheep to a young man
  21. Fingernails grow nearly 4 times faster than toenails!
  22. Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin!
  23. The present population of 5 billion plus people of the world is predicted to become 15 billion by 2080.
  24. Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
  25. Adolf Hitler was a vegetarian, and had only ONE testicle.
  26. Honey is the only food that does not spoil. Honey found in the tombs of Egyptian pharaohs has been tasted by archaeologists and found edible.
  27. Months that begin on a Sunday will always have a "Friday the 13th."
  28. Coca-Cola would be green if colouring weren’t added to it.
  29. On average a hedgehog's heart beats 300 times a minute.
  30. More people are killed each year from bees than from snakes.
  31. The average lead pencil will draw a line 35 miles long or write approximately 50,000 English words.
  32. More people are allergic to cow's milk than any other food.
  33. Camels have three eyelids to protect themselves from blowing sand.
  34. The placement of a donkey's eyes in its' heads enables it to see all four feet at all times!
  35. The six official languages of the United Nations are: English, French, Arabic, Chinese, Russian and Spanish.
  36. Earth is the only planet not named after a god.
  37. It's against the law to burp, or sneeze in a church in Nebraska, USA.
  38. You're born with 300 bones, but by the time you become an adult, you only have 206.
  39. Some worms will eat themselves if they can't find any food!
  40. Dolphins sleep with one eye open!
  41. It is impossible to sneeze with your eyes open
  42. The worlds oldest piece of chewing gum is 9000 years old!
  43. The longest recorded flight of a chicken is 13 seconds
  44. Queen Elizabeth I regarded herself as a paragon of cleanliness. She declared that she bathed once every three months, whether she needed it or not
  45. Slugs have 4 noses.
  46. Owls are the only birds who can see the colour blue.
  47. A man named Charles Osborne had the hiccups for 69 years!
  48. A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue!
  49. The average person laughs 10 times a day!
  50. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain

Pastor's Business Card

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners.  At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned.  Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10'. 

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. 

Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.' 

Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'

Discovered and shared by Pastor Betty Wong

Overconfident Naval Officer Loses His Way in the Fog

During a 1923 training exercise, a naval destroyer called the USS Delphy led a flotilla of seven vessels down the California coast. The USS Delphy was captained by Lieutenant Commander Donald T. Hunter, an experienced navigator and instructor at the Naval Academy. 

Without warning, about half way on their training mission, a thick blanket of fog descended on the ships. In the midst of the fog (Hunter claimed it looked like "pea soup"), Hunter couldn't get an accurate evaluation of his location. Contrary to Hunter's calculations, the lead ship was headed right into Devil's Jaw, a scant two miles off the California coast. But that didn't stop Hunter from plowing ahead. That is not surprising, for Hunter was known for his self-confident decisiveness and what others called his "magic infallibility" to guide his ship.

Traveling at 20 knots, suddenly the USS Delphy smashed broadside into the rocky Point Arguello shoreline. The force of the massive collision of welded steel and jagged rock split the hull of the USS Delphy in half. One by one, the other destroyers followed the Delphy's lead and smashed into the rocks. Twenty-two naval men died. The accident resulted in the loss of all seven ships. It still stands as one of the worst peacetime naval disasters in history.

Submitted by Lee Eclov, Vernon Hills, Illinois; sources: Robert McKenna, The Dictionary of Nautical Literacy (McGraw Hill, 2003), p. 97; Charles Lockwood & Hans Christian Adamson, Tragedy at Honda (Naval Institute Press, 1986), pp. 29-49

The Short Man Who Sank The Slave Ships

William Wilberforce was another small man at 5 feet and 4 inches. He was known for his eloquence and, in 1780 at the age of twenty-one, entered the British Parliament. 

Six years later he joined Thomas Clarkson and began his fight against slavery even though the bill to end the slave trade didn't become law until 1807—twenty-one years later. More than any other person, Wilberforce helped end the British slave trade.

Dick Innes

Short Carlos Romulo

Carlos Romulo shaking hands with Eleanor Roosevelt, the First Lady of the United States from 1933 to 1945
Carlos Romulo, a Foreign Secretary of the Philippines, is only 1.626 meters (approximately 5'4"). He was very self-conscious about his height until he visited Madam Tussaud's Wax Museum in London and discovered that he was 50 millimeters (2 inches) taller than Napoleon Bonaparte (who became known as "the little corporal"). He promptly discarded his elevated shoes.

"People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart." ( 1 Samuel 16:7)
Dick Innes

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Which Snake Is The deadliest?

Dr. Brady Barr was asked, "Which snake is the deadliest?" His answer, "The snake that just bit you!" 
Our question is quite similar, "Which sin is the deadliest?" The answer is similar too, "The sin that has bitten you and taken control of your life!"
The gossiper will condemn the thief. The thief will condemn the adulterer. The adulterer will condemn the murderer and so on. However, God is not going to ask you to be accountable for the sins of others except the sins that you have allowed to control you.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

The Man Who Robbed Himself

Arthur Barry was a very famous jewel thief who practiced his trade back in the roaring 20's. He was a very unusual thief in that he would only steal from the very rich. Not only did they have to be rich, but they had to be of the elite rich. The story goes that Arthur would pass up many jewels and take only the finest and most precious. He was one thief that was a connoisseur of art. Since Arthur Barry stole only from the highest elite of society it became something of a social status to have been robbed by this notorious robber. This kind of widespread popularity gave the police nightmares.

Well, one day Arthur stole one too many times because the police caught him in the act, and he was shot. While he was suffering from excruciating pain he promised himself that he would never steal again. Now, that was a good beginning; but, for some strange happening, Arthur escaped from prison and spent three more years on the loose. Then came his downfall, when an insanely jealous woman turned on him by telling police where he was. He was recaptured and spent the next eighteen years behind bars. While in prison, Arthur made up his mind that crime didn't pay and that he would never steal again.

When Arthur got out of prison he made his way to a little town up in New England and settled down. People did not suspect that he was a famous jewel thief, and due to his hard work and neighborliness, he soon became one of the small town's most respected citizens.

All went well with Arthur until someone came to the little town and recognized him as the famous jewel thief. As the news spread as to who he was, reporters came rushing in from the large city newspapers to interview this reformed criminal. One of the questions that was put to Arthur by a young reporter was this one: "Arthur, we know that you have taken from some of the wealthiest people in the world. Do you remember who it was that you stole the most from?" Without a moment's hesitation Arthur answered, "The person that I stole the most from was Arthur Barry. I could have made a contribution to society. I could have been a stock broker. I could have been a teacher. I could have been a successful businessman. I could have done all of these, but instead I spent two-thirds of my adult life in prison. I have spent a lifetime robbing myself."

How many of us are robbing ourselves and robbing God by not using our time and our lives wisely? We are given the opportunity every day to see how we will act and react to circumstances and situations where we can forget about ourselves and lend a helping hand to others or show the love of a merciful Father. The prophet Micah spoke the truth when he said, "He has shown you, 0 man, what is good; And what does the Lord require of you but to do justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God? " (Micah 6:8).

For His Cause,
Tim Woodward

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Tell Your God I Am Sorry

Recently I mentioned that I contacted a friend I hadn't seen for twenty years. He lived in my hometown of Christchurch, New Zealand, and had always mocked me for my faith, so I was surprised that he emailed back. He said that "god" greatly scared him last year (he used profanity) with a 7.1 earthquake. When I then shared the gospel with him, he wrote back and mockingly said he was going to Hell. 

The next day the killer quake hit, taking over 165 lives. When I contacted him again to see if he was okay, he replied, "Tell your God I am sorry and please don't do that again." This time he used a capital for "God." 

On A Collision Course

This is supposed to be the transcript of an actual radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. 

The Radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on Oct. 10, 1995. 

- Please change your direction 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision. 

- Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South to avoid a collision.

- This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. 

- No. I say again, you divert YOUR course. 


- This is a lighthouse. Your call.

The Religious Horse

Once a man bought a horse. The seller told him that he had to say "hallelujah" to make it go and "amen" to make it stop. 

One day, the man was riding his horse up the hills. He realized that the horse was galloping fast and heading towards the edge of a cliff. The chances of them falling to their death was very real.

The man was so afraid that he forgot how to make the horse stop. He thought this was the end of his life and he started to pray and then he ended his prayer with a loud, "Amen". 

The horse stopped abruptly right at the edge of the cliff. The man was so thrilled that he finally managed to make his horse stop that he shouted, "hallelujah!"

The horse took off down the cliff.

Monday, March 14, 2011

The Christian Bear

There was a man who one day didn't feel like going to church so he decided to go hunting instead. 

He was out in the bush when he was approached from behind by a bear. He dropped his gun by accident but didn't bother to pick it up. 

He ran for his life. Weaving in and out the trees with the bear on his trail. Curving around a tree he tripped over its root. 

He looked up and the bear looked down. The bear was about to strike at him. He put his hands together and prayed: "Dear lord, Please let this bear become a Christian." 

The bear suddenly sat down on its bum and held the man's hands, closed his eyes and said: "Dear Lord, Thank you for the food that I am about to receive!"

Dead During The Service

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. 

It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. 

The seven-year-old had been staring at th e plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex." 

"Good morning," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. 

"What is this?" Alex asked. 

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." 

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. 

Little Alex's voice was trembling and barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"

Buried With Money

There was a man who worked all of his life and saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife." 

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.

Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!" 

She had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket." 

"Yes," the wife said, "I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him." 

"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?" 

"I sure did. I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check."

Never Be Wrong

A funny story is told about General George Patton from his World War II days. He once accepted an invitation to dine at a press camp in Africa. Wine was served in canteen cups but, obviously thinking he was served coffee, Patton poured cream into his cup. As he stirred in sugar, Patton was warned that his cup contained red wine and not coffee.
Now, General Patton could never, never be wrong. Without hesitating he replied, "I know. I like my wine this way." And he drank it!

Famous World Ideologies, as explained by references to Cows

Feudalism: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

Pure Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you all the milk you need.

Bureaucratic Socialism: Your cows are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.

Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

Pure Communism: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

Real World Communism
: You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker about who has the most “ability” and who has the most “need”. Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.

Russian Communism
: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market.

Perestroika: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the Mafia takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the “free” market.

Cambodian Communism: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

Militarianism: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

Totalitarianism: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

Pure Democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

Representative Democracy
: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

British Democracy: You have two cows. You feed them sheeps’ brains and they go mad. The government doesn’t do anything.

Bureaucracy: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

Pure Anarchy: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

Pure Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

Capitalism: You don’t have any cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don’t have any cows to put up as collateral.

Environmentalism: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

Political Correctness: You are associated with (the concept of “ownership” is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war mongering, intolerant past) two differently – aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.

Surrealism: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Malaysian Democracy: The government gives the Malays two cows. The Malay loans the cows to the Chinese. The Chinese employs the Indians to look after the cows. The Chinese makes 80 percent of money from the milk sold. The Malay makes 15 percent and the Indian makes 5 percent for his hard work.

Singaporean Democracy: You have two cows. The government takes them away. Cows are not allowed as pets in the government apartment that you are living.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Fishing Mirror

A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat. He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take out a mirror. Being curious the man rowed over and asked, "What is the mirror for?"

"That's my secret way to catch fish," said the other man.

"Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down and net them and pull them into the boat."

"Wow! Does that really work?"

"You bet it does."

"Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give you $30 for it."

"Well, okay."

After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, "By the way, how many fish have you caught this week?"

"You're the sixth," he said.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Amy Carmichael's First Act of Kidnapping

Amy Carmichael was a kidnapper. Many times over, in fact! On this day, March 6, 1901, she sheltered her first temple runaway, a young girl dedicated to the Hindu gods and forced into prostitution to earn money for the priests. Technically that made her a kidnapper. Over the years, Amy rescued many other children, often at the cost of extreme exhaustion and personal danger. When she rescued five-year-old Kohila, the child's guardians wanted her back. Amy refused to return the little girl to certain abuse. Instead, she arranged for her to "disappear" to a safe place. The plot was discovered. Prosecutors brought charges against Amy. She faced a seven year prison term.

Irish-born Amy was a most unlikely heroine. She suffered neuralgia, a disease of the nerves that made her whole body weak and achy and put her in bed for weeks at a time. Friends thought she was foolish when she announced she was going to be a missionary. They predicted that she would soon be back in England for keeps. But Amy was sure that God was calling her to go overseas. All of her life, she had been learning to listen to his voice.

One of the first incidents occurred when she was a child. Mother had said that if Amy prayed, the Lord would answer. Amy had brown eyes. She prayed for blue. In the morning she jumped out of bed and ran to the mirror. Mrs. Carmichael heard her wail in disappointment. It took Mrs. Carmichael several minutes of careful explanation before Amy understood that "no" was an answer too. God meant Amy to have brown eyes for a reason, explained Mrs. Carmichael. Amy wasn't so sure. Smiling Irish blue would always be her favorite color, even if God said "No."

Amy with rescued children
As a youth Amy thought she was a Christian, but an evangelist showed her that she needed a personal commitment to Christ. She made it. Service to Him became the center and passion of her life. The year that Mr. Carmichael died unexpectedly, Amy started classes and prayer groups for Belfast ragamuffins. She also began a Sunday work with the "shawlies." These were factory girls so poor that they could not afford hats to wear to church and wore shawls instead. Respectable people didn't want anything to do with them. Amy saw that they needed Christ just the same as their supposed "betters." So many shawlies attended Amy's classes that she had to find a building large enough to hold three hundred and more.

The Carmichaels lost all their money through financial reverses and a change became necessary. Mrs. Carmichael decided to move to England and work for Uncle Jacob. Amy and another sister joined her. Uncle Jacob asked Amy to teach his mill workers about Jesus. Amy threw herself into the work, living near the mill in an apartment infested with cockroaches and bed bugs. However, she was constantly sick with neuralgia and had to lie in bed for days at a time. It was clear she must give up the work. Faith and circumstances eventually led Amy to India where she began her rescue work with temple children. Dressed in a sari, her skin stained brown, she could pass as a Hindu. Now she understood why God had given her brown eyes. Blue eyes would have been a dead giveaway!

Amy did not go to prison. A telegram arrived on February 7, 1914, saying, "Criminal case dismissed." No explanation was ever forthcoming, but those who worship Amy's Lord have no doubt that He had a hand in the decision.

  1. "Carmichael, Amy." Biographical Dictionary of Evangelicals. Timothy Larsen, editor. Downers-Grove, Illinois: Intevarsity Press, 2003.
  2. Davis, Rebecca Henry: With Daring Faith. Greenville, South Carolina: Bob Jones University, 1987.
  3. Houghton. Amy Carmichael. London: Hodder and Stoughton.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

10 Interesting Thoughts

1) Prayer is not a "spare wheel" that you pull out when in trouble. It is a "steering wheel" that directs us in the right path throughout life.

2) Do you know why a car's windshield is so large and the rear view mirror is so small? Because our past is not as important as our future. So, look ahead and move on.

3) Friendship is like a book. It takes few seconds to burn, but it takes years to write.

4) All things in life are temporary. If going well, enjoy it; it may not last forever. If going wrong, don't worry; it may not last long either.

5) Old friends are like gold! New friends are diamonds! If you get a diamond, don't forget the gold! Because to hold a diamond, you always need a base of gold!

6)  Often when we lose hope and think this is the end, God smiles and says, "Relax, it's just a bend, not the end!"

7) When God solves your problems, you have faith in His abilities; when God doesn't solve your problems, He has faith in your abilities.

8) A blind person asked St. Anthony: "Can there be anything worse than losing eye sight?" He replied: "Yes, losing your vision."

9) When you pray for others, God listens to you and blesses them; and sometimes, when you are safe and happy, remember that someone has prayed for you.

10) Worrying does not take away tomorrow's troubles. It takes away today's peace.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Morning Kiss

A farmer and his wife had just awakened one morning to the crowing of their rooster. While still in bed, the farmer's wife says, "Pa, you know our neighbor Mr. Jones?"

"Yes Ma, I reckon I do," replied the sleepy farmer.

"Well, every morning before he leaves the house for work, he gives his wife a big ol' kiss. Why don't you ever do that? "

The farmer sighed and said, "Well, I reckon I can, but I just don't know her very well."

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Helping Daddy

Imagine a father and child in the garage, working on building something together. The father knows the plan and could certainly build it himself, but he delights to have his small child with him. He hands the small child a hammer and some nails and some simple instructions. The child does not fully understand the entire project or how it will come together, but she happily starts banging and hammering. The child certainly helps the father, but it is only because the father equipped her. The father delights in including the child because he loves the child and longs to see her participate, but the father alone knows the plan.

Making the Most of Our In-Between Time

Friday, March 4, 2011

Church Bulletin Bloopers

The following have all genuinely appeared in church bulletins!
* Next weekend's Fasting & Prayer Conference in Whitby includes all meals.
* Sunday morning sermon: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' Sunday evening sermon: 'Searching for Jesus.'
* Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale; it is a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
* Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
* Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
* Miss Charlene Mason sang, 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
* For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
* Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
* Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
* At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
* Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
* Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
* Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
* The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
* Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
* The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
* This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
* The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
* Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
* The school drama group will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church hall on Friday at 7PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
* Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.