Explain God

Written by Danny Dutton, age 8, from Chula Vista, California, for his third grade homework assignment to "Explain God."

"One of God's main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the ones that die so there will be enough people to take care of things on earth. He doesn't make grown-ups, just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier to make. That way, He doesn't have to take up His valuable time teaching them to talk and walk. He can just leave that to mothers and fathers.

"God's second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times besides bedtime. God doesn't have time to listen to the radio or TV because of this. Because He hears everything there must be a terrible lot of noise in His ears, unless He has thought of a way to turn it off. God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere which keeps Him pretty busy. So you shouldn't go wasting His time by going over your mom and dad's head asking for something they said you couldn't have.

"Atheists are people who don't believe in God. I don't think there are any in Chula Vista. At least there aren't any who come to our church. Jesus is God's Son. He used to do all the hard work like walking on water and performing miracles and trying to teach the people who didn't want to learn about God. They finally got tired of Him preaching to them and they crucified Him.But He was good and kind like His Father and He told His Father that they didn't know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said OK.

"His Dad (God) appreciated everything that He had done and all His hard work on earth so He told Him He didn't have to go out on the road anymore, He could stay in heaven. So He did. And now He helps His Dad out by listening to prayers and seeing things which are important for God to take care of and which ones He can take care of Himself without having to bother God. Like a secretary only more important. You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to hear you because they got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the time.

"You should always go to Church on Sunday because it makes God happy, and if there's anybody you want to make happy, it's God. Don't skip church to do something you think will be more fun like going to the beach. This is wrong! And, besides, the sun doesn't come out at the beach until noon anyway.

"If you don't believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will be very lonely, because your parents can't go everywhere with you, like to camp, but God can. It is good to know He's around you when you're scared in the dark or when you can't swim very good and you get thrown into real deep water by big kids. But you shouldn't just always think of what God can do for you. I figure God put me here and He can take me back anytime He pleases.

"And that's why I believe in God."

Good Forgetters

Two little boys got into a fight. But the next morning Johnny took his cap and headed for Bobby’s house again. 

Surprised, an older member of the family said teasingly, "What! Going to play with him again? I thought you had a fight last night and was never going to have anything more to do with him? Funny memory you have." 

Johnny looked a little sheepish, dug his toe into the carpet for a moment, then flashed a satisfied smile as he hurried away. "Oh! Bobby and me’s good forgetters!" .

God IS Watching

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. 

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted it on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching. "

Moving farther along the lunch line, at the end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. 

A child had written a note: "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

Haircut For Two

The price of going to the barber was quite exorbitant in a particular city. Hardly anyone could afford a full treatment but a man came into a barber shop with a little boy and asked for the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. 

After the barber had finished with him, the man placed Little Johnny on the chair.

"I'm going to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."

When Little Johnny's haircut was complete and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you."

"That wasn't my daddy," said Little Johnny.

"He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, kid, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"

Weapon of Choice

Nine-year-old Aaron came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing.

It was obvious he'd been in a bad fight and lost.

While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.

"Well, Dad," said Aaron, "I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons."

"Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems fair."

"I know, but I never thought he'd choose his sister!"

The Power of Applause

By Pastor Dick Innes

"Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing."1

Besides wishing each other a very Happy New Year, may we all make a New Year resolution to be more effective encouragers of each other—and especially so of our loved ones.

Dr. Ernest Mellor wrote how he and his wife, "Sat charmed at an outdoor performance by young Suzuki violin students. After the concert, an instructor spoke briefly on how children as young as two, three and four years old are taught to play violin. The first thing the children learn, he said, is a proper stance. And the second thing the children learn—even before they pick up the violin—is how to take a bow. 'If the children just play the violin and stop, people may forget to show their appreciation,' the instructor said. 'But when the children bow, the audience invariably applauds. And applause is the best motivator we've found to make children feel good about performing and want to do it well.'

"Adults love applause too. Being affirmed makes us feel wonderful. If you want to rekindle or keep the flame of love glowing in your marriage through the years, try showing and expressing your appreciation for your mate. Put some applause in your marriage and watch love grow."2

Meaningful applause—whether by hand clapping or with our words—is one the most effective and easiest ways to encourage one another. The word "encourage" comes from "en" meaning in, and "courage." It means to put courage into another—and that's something every one of us can do—so let's do it often from a sincere heart.

Suggested prayer: "Dear God, please help me always to applaud and encourage my loved ones and friends when such is well earned, not just as a means of 'being outwardly nice' or to flatter, but out of a genuine heart of appreciation. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus' name, amen."

1. 1 Thessalonians 5:11 (NIV).
2. Dr. Ernest Mellor, in Homemade, November, 1984.

<:))))><

My Daddy Is....

David Elkind the Psychologist

David Elkind, a psychologist, tells the story of visiting his middle son's nursery school class, at the request of his teacher. She wanted him to observe a "problem child" in the class.

While he was there, he caught a conversation between his son and some other boys. There conversation went like this.

Child A: "My daddy is a doctor and he makes lots of money and we have a swimming pool."

Child B: "My daddy is a lawyer and he flies to Washington and talks to the president."

Child C: "My daddy owns a company and we have our own airplane."

Then David Elkind's boy said, "My daddy is here!" And he proudly looked in his father's direction.

Dads, your presence means more than anything else to your children - more than your money, more than your position at work, more than the toys you buy them. Your time means more to them than anything else, because it says, "I care." 

Don & Dawn

Youngest Entrepreneur in Canada

Marc Wright, president of the Kiddie Card Company, is one of the youngest entrepreneurs in Canada. He started his business when he was just 6 years old after listening to some motivational tapes. Following a visit to an art museum, Marc thought he would make some drawings and see if he could earn money. His mother suggested he put his pictures on cards and sell them. He was an immediate success with some rather unique concepts.

Marc knocks on doors and gives his short, but effective sales talk. “Hi. My name is Marc, and I’m freezing! I’m selling greeting cards. How many would you like to buy? Here’s a handful. Just pick the ones you want and pay me what you want.” His cards are hand-drawn on pink, green and white paper. They cover the season of the year, and Marc sells them about three days a week. He averages about 75 cents a card and sells about 25 cards an hour. 

His first year in business, Marc earned $3,000, enough to take his mom on a trip to Disney World.

By age 10, Marc had become something of a media celebrity. He appeared on Late Night with David Letterman and was interviewed by Conan O’Brien. 

Marc had an idea, didn’t count his birthdays, received some encouragement from his mother, and started his business.

Question: Do you have an idea that’s marketable? If you do, take action!


Zig Ziglar

Eating Like A Horse

A certain man had invited the pastor and his wife for dinner, and it was little Joey's job to set the table.

 

But when it came time to eat, Joey's mother said with surprise, "Why didn't you give Mrs. Brown a knife and fork dear?"

"I didn't think I needed to," as everyone listened as Joey explained, "I heard Daddy say she always eats like a horse."

Why Dogs are Better Than Kids

Why Dogs are Better Than Kids

45 minutes to get a dog ready to go outside in the winter?  -- NOT!

Dogs cannot lie.

Dogs never resist nap time.

You do not need to buy a mobile phone for a dog.

Dogs do not pester you about having another kid.

Dogs do not care if the peas have been touched by the potatoes.

Average cost of sending a dog to school: $42...
Average cost of sending a kid: $103,000...

Dogs are housebroken by the time they are 12 weeks old.

Your dog isn't embarrassed if you sing in public

Lesson From A Sea of Milk

I recently heard a story from Stephen Glenn about a famous research scientist who had made several very important medical breakthroughs. He was being interviewed by a newspaper reporter who asked him why he thought he was able to be so much more creative than the average person. What set him so far apart from others?


He responded that, in his opinion, it all came from an experience with his mother that occurred when he was about two years old. He had been trying to remove a bottle of milk from the refrigerator when he lost his grip on the slippery bottle and it fell, spilling its contents all over the kitchen floor—a veritable sea of milk!


When his mother came into the kitchen, instead of yelling at him, giving him a lecture, or punishing him, she said, “"Robert, what a great and wonderful mess you have made! I have rarely seen such a huge puddle of milk. Well, the damage has already been done. Would you like to get down and play in the milk for a few minutes before we clean it up?”"


Indeed, he did. After a few minutes, his mother said, "“You know, Robert, whenever you make a mess like this, eventually you have to clean it up and restore everything to its proper order. So, how would you like to do that? We could use a sponge, a towel, or a mop. Which do you prefer?"” He chose the sponge and together they cleaned up the spilled milk.


His mother then said, “"You know, what we have here is a failed experiment in how to effectively carry a big milk bottle with two tiny hands. Let’s go out in the back yard and fill the bottle with water and see if you can discover a way to carry it without dropping it.”" The little boy learned that if he grasped the bottle at the top near the lip with both hands, he could carry it without dropping it. What a wonderful lesson!


This renowned scientist then remarked that it was at that moment that he knew he didn’t need to be afraid to make mistakes. Instead, he learned that mistakes were just opportunities for learning something new, which is, after all, what scientific experiments are all about. Even if the experiment “doesn’t work,” we usually learn something valuable from it.


Wouldn’t it be great if all parents would respond the way Robert’s mother responded to him?


—Jack Canfield

Actual Test Answers By American Students

These are reported to be actual test answers from various schools in the Huntsville, Alabama metropolitan area:

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized?
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.

Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.

Kids Are Funny - Famous Sayings

I teach fourth grade in Ventura County, California. As a fun assignment, I gave the students the beginning of a list of famous sayings and asked them to provide original endings for each one. Here are some examples of what my students submitted.

- The grass is always greener when you leave the sprinkler on.

- A rolling stone plays the guitar.

- The grass is always greener when you remember to water it.

- A bird in the hand is a real mess.

- No news is no newspaper.

- It's better to light one candle than to waste electricity.

- It's always darkest just before I open my eyes.

- You have nothing to fear but homework.

- If you can't stand the heat, don't start the fireplace.

- If you can't stand the heat, go swimming.

- Never put off 'til tomorrow what you should have done yesterday.

- A penny saved is nothing in the real world.

- The squeaking wheel gets annoying.

- We have nothing to fear but our principal.

- To err is human. To eat a muskrat is not.

- I think, therefore I get a headache.

- Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry, and someone yells, "Shut up!"

- Better to light a candle than to light an explosive.

- It's always darkest before 9:30 p.m.

- Early to bed and early to rise is first in the bathroom.

- A journey of a thousand miles begins with a blister.

- There is nothing new under the bed.

- The grass is always greener when you put manure on it.

- Don't count your chickens -- it takes too long.

Written by Pastor Tim 

Kids Are Funny - About the Bible

The statements below are said to have been written by actual students, that they are genuine and NOT retouched or corrected:

- Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

- The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount cyanide to get the ten amendments.

- The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

- The fifth commandment is to humor thy father and mother.

- The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

- The epistles were wives of the apostles.

- The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

- Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

- Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

- One of the opposums was St Matthew who was also a taximan.

Kids Are Funny

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand....
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
_________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________

School Project Picture

My 12 year old daughter asked me, "Mom, do you have a baby picture of yourself? I need it for a school project." I gave her one without thinking to ask what the project was.

A few days later I was in her classroom for a parent-teacher meeting when I noticed my face pinned to a mural the students had created.

The title of their project was: "The oldest thing in my house."

Science Quotes from Kids - Part 2

~ H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.

~ To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube. When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

~ Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

~ Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.

~ Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

~ Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.

~ The moon is a planet, just like the earth, only it is even deader.

~ Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.

~ Mushrooms always grow in damp places so they look like umbrellas.

~ The pistol of a flower is its only protections against insects.

~ The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.

~ A permanent set of teeth consist of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.

~ The tides are a fight between the earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

~ A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

~ Germinate: To become a naturalized German.

~ Liter: A nest of young puppies.

~ Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.

~ Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.

~ Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.

~ Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.

~ Vacuum: A large, empty space where the Pope lives.

~ Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

~ To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

~ For a nosebleed, put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.

~ For dog bite put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.

~ For head cold use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.

~ To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.

Science Quotes from Kids - Part 1

~ One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.

~ You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.

~ When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.

~ When people run around and around in circles, we say they are crazy. When planets do it, we say they are orbiting.

~ While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.

~ Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change into a sun in the daytime.

~ A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

~ Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils, others preferred to become oil.

~ Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they are there.

~ Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.

~ We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

~ I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.

~ In making rain water, it takes everything from H to O.

~ Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

~ Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue will kill the strongest man.

~ Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

~ Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.

~ It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people there have to live in other places.

Coaching the Young Witness

The defense lawyer questions the boy, "Did anyone tell you what to say in court?"

A boy who was a witness to a crime was on the witness stand in court. He was approached by the defense attorney who asked, "Did anyone tell you what to say in the court?"

"Yes, Sir," the boy answered.

"I thought so," said the attorney. "Who was it?"

"My father, Sir," said the boy.

"And what did he tell you?" the attorney asked accusingly.

"He said that the lawyers would try to get me all tangled up, but if I stuck to the truth, everything would be all right."

You Mean We Gotta Pay For This?

A certain pastor thought taking his two visiting nephews to church would be a good experience. Neither of the six and nine-year-old boys had any church experience, so Bob looked forward to the opportunity of spiritual exposure. 

The stark reality, though, of kids growing up outside of the church came to fruition when the kids came down for the children’s sermon. In the middle of the discussion with the kids, the pastor’s six-year-old nephew, Eric, raised his hand and blurted out, “How much longer do we have to stay up here?” 

Pastor Bob endured and went on. Eric was still not terribly impressed with what he had seen. This became most evident when the offering plates were passed. Little Eric watched with keen interest as the plate made its way toward him. When the offering plate reached his hands he asked in a very audible voice, “You mean we gotta pay for this?” 

[source: Baptist Beacon, 2/20/92, p. 5. Qtd in In other Words, Raymond McHenry]