Science Quotes from Kids - Part 1

~ One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.

~ You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.

~ When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.

~ When people run around and around in circles, we say they are crazy. When planets do it, we say they are orbiting.

~ While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.

~ Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change into a sun in the daytime.

~ A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

~ Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils, others preferred to become oil.

~ Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they are there.

~ Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.

~ We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

~ I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.

~ In making rain water, it takes everything from H to O.

~ Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

~ Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue will kill the strongest man.

~ Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

~ Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.

~ It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people there have to live in other places.

Coaching the Young Witness

The defense lawyer questions the boy, "Did anyone tell you what to say in court?"

A boy who was a witness to a crime was on the witness stand in court. He was approached by the defense attorney who asked, "Did anyone tell you what to say in the court?"

"Yes, Sir," the boy answered.

"I thought so," said the attorney. "Who was it?"

"My father, Sir," said the boy.

"And what did he tell you?" the attorney asked accusingly.

"He said that the lawyers would try to get me all tangled up, but if I stuck to the truth, everything would be all right."

Mahatma Gandhi and Christianity

Young Gandhi

When Mahatma Gandhi was attending university in London, he became almost convinced of the validity of Christianity, seeing it as possibly the one true supernatural religion.

After graduation, he continued to seek evidence that would persuade him to become a committed Christian. When he accepted employment in another country, and lived with a family who were members of an evangelical Christian church, he believed this would be his greatest source of evidence for the Christian faith.

Gandhi lived with this family for seven months, but after seeing their casual attitude towards God, hearing them complain about making sacrifices for Christ, and becoming acutely aware of their religious apathy, he became disillusioned.

"No," he concluded, "Christianity is not the one true, supernatural religion I had hoped to find. A good religion, but just one more of the many religions of the world."

What Is Your Guy Saying? (Interpretation Provided)

"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "I don't know what I am thinking and so how can I even explain it to you?"

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't the food already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: A conditioned response to keep you from talking too much.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "Honestly, I don't really know the details and why don't you just stop asking me?"

"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "There is nothing interesting and are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember every thing... but I forgot your birthday."

"OH, DON'T FUSS -- I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "Man, it hurts like crazy but I have to put on a brave front... oh, I want my mommy."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Translated: "Leave me alone so that I can think of the right reason for doing what I am doing."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "I am surfing the internet and please don't ask me to look for anything."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh, please don't try on any more outfits. I'm bored to death."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Translated: "I will create the mess and you will clean it up."

A Penny Please!

Man: "God, how long is a million years?"

God: "To me, it's about a minute."

Man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"

God: "To me it's a penny."

Man: "God, may I have a penny?"

God: "In a minute."

A Mouse In The House

A: I'm in a big trouble!
B: Why is that?
A: I saw a mouse in my house!
B: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap.
A: I don't have one.
B: Well then, buy one.
A: Can't afford one.
B: I can give you mine if you want.
A: That sounds good.
B: All you need to do is just use some cheese in order to make the mouse come to the trap.
A: I don't have any cheese.
B: Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and put it in the trap.
A: I don't have oil.
B: Well, then put only a small piece of bread.
A: I don't have bread.
B: Then what is the mouse doing at your house?!

Silver and Gold We Have!

Thomas Aquinas

Thomas Aquinas was one day with Pope Innocent the Fourth in his closet, when an officer of his chancery came in with a bag of gold, procured by Absolutions and Indulgences. 

The Pope profanely said: "See, young man, the Church is not what it was in the times when it used to say, "Silver and gold have I none"

"Holy Father, that is very true, indeed," replied Aquinas, "but then it cannot say to the poor afflicted with the palsy, 'Rise, take up thy bed and walk.'"

Church Bulletin Bloopers 2

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King. 

"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands." 

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 pm. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

This evening at 7 pm there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."

Church Bulletin Bloopers

"Say 'hell' to someone who doesn't like you." 

"Mr. Smith is also a close relative of his brother Wilbur in the church."

"Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow."

"Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community."

"O come all ye faithful, sin in exultation."

"After today's service, coffee and donuts will be served in the basement. Please come down and say hell to the pastor."

"Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help."

"For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs."

"The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer."

"Children will be led in sinning and Bible study."

"This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends."

"This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar."

"There will be a baked bean supper next Sunday at 6:00 p.m. Music to follow."

"At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice."

"Life groups meet on Wednesday evening at 7:00 PM for food, fun, and fellowwhipping."

"Marriage: An Institution To Be Endured." -- The subject of a sermon that should have read, "An Institution To Endure."

"Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa."

"The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals."

"The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'"

"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

"The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict."

"Miss Charlene Mason sang "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation."

"The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing: 'Break Forth Into Joy.'"

"Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones."

"Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children."

"The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment, and gracious hostility."

"The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon."

"The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday."

"Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch."

"Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered."

 "Women's S.E.W. (Stitching and Encouraging Women)"

 "He came down and saved my soup."

Bon Appetit and Barnhouse

Around the turn of the century, a wealthy but unsophisticated oil tycoon from Texas made his first trip to Europe on a ship. The first night at dinner, he found himself seated with a stranger, a Frenchman, who dutifully nodded and said, “Bon appetit.” Thinking the man was introducing himself, he replied, “Barnhouse.”

For several days the ritual was repeated. The Frenchman would nod and say, “Bon appetit.” The Texan would smile and reply, “Barnhouse” a little louder and more distinctly than the time before.

One afternoon, Mr. Barnhouse mentioned it to another passenger who set the oil baron straight. “You’ve got it all wrong. He wasn’t introducing himself. ‘Bon appetit’ is the French way of telling you to enjoy your meal.” 

Needless to say, Barnhouse was terribly embarrassed and determined to make things right. At dinner that evening, the Texan came in, nodded at his friend and said, “Bon appetit.”

The Frenchman rose and answered, “Barnhouse.”

Does Prayer Change Things?

They say that prayer changes things, but does it REALLY change anything?

Oh yes! It really does!

Does prayer change your present situation or sudden circumstances?

No, not always, but it does change the way you look at those events.

Does prayer change your financial future?

No, not always, but it does change who you look to for meeting your daily needs.

Does prayer change shattered hearts or broken bodies?

No, not always, but it will change your source of strength and comfort.

Does prayer change your wants and desires?

No, not always, but it will change your wants into what God desires!

Does prayer change how you view the world?

No, not always, but it will change whose eyes you see the world through.

Does prayer change your regrets from the past?

No, not always, but it will change your hopes for the future!

Does prayer change the people around you?

No, not always, but it will change you - the problem isn't always in others.

Does prayer change your life in ways you can't explain?

Oh, yes, always! And it will change you from the inside out!

So does prayer REALLY change ANYTHING?

Yes! It REALLY does change EVERYTHING!

- Teressa Vowell

The Englishman and His Slave

Back in the 1800s, a young Englishman traveled to California in search of gold. After several months of prospecting, he struck it rich. On his way home, he stopped in New Orleans. Not long into his visit, he came upon a crowd of people all looking in the same direction. Approaching the crowd, he recognized that they had gathered for a slave auction. Slavery had been outlawed in England for years, so this young man's curiosity drew him to watch as a person became someone else's property. He heard "Sold!" just as he joined the crowd. A middle-aged black man was taken away.

Next a beautiful young black girl was pushed up onto the platform and made the walk around so everyone could see her. The miner heard vile jokes and comments that spoke of evil intentions from those around him. Men were laughing as their eyes remained fixed on this new item for sale.

The bidding began. Within a minute, the bids surpassed what most slave owners would pay for a black girl. As the bidding continued higher and higher, it was apparent that two men wanted her. In between their bids, they laughed about what they were going to do with her, and how the other one would miss out. The miner stood silent as anger welled up inside of him. Finally, one man bid a price that was beyond the reach of the other. The girl looked down. The auctioneer called out, "Going once! Going twice!"

Just before the final call, the miner yelled out a price that was exactly twice the previous bid, an amount that exceeded the worth of any man. The crowd laughed, thinking that the miner was only joking, wishing that he could have the girl himself. The auctioneer motioned to the miner to come and show his money. The miner opened up the bag of gold he had brought for the trip. The auctioneer shook his head in disbelief as he waved the girl over to him.

The girl walked down the steps of the platform until she was eye-to-eye with the miner. She spat straight in his face and said through clenched teeth, "I hate you!" The miner, without a word, wiped his face, paid the auctioneer, took the girl by the hand, and walked away from the still-laughing crowd.

He seemed to be looking for something in particular as they walked up one street and down another. Finally he stopped in front of some sort of store, though the slave girl did not know what type of store it was. She waited outside as the dirty-faced miner went inside and started talking to an elderly man. She couldn't make out what they were talking about. At one point the voices got louder, and she overheard the store clerk say, "But it's the law! It's the law!" Peering in, she saw the miner pull out his bag of gold and pour what was left of it on the table. With what seemed like a look of disgust, the clerk picked up the gold and went back in the room. He came out with a piece of paper, and both he and the miner signed it.

The young girl looked away as the miner came out the door. Stretching out his hand, he said to the girl, "Here are your emancipation papers. You are free." The girl did not look up. He tried again. "Here. These are papers that say you are free. Take them." "I hate you!" the girl said, refusing to look up. "Why do you make fun of me?" "No, listen" he pleaded. "These are your freedom papers. You are a free person." The girl looked at the papers, then looked at him, and looked at the papers once again. "You just bought me?and now, you're setting me free?" "That's why I bought you. I bought you to set you free." The beautiful young girl fell to her knees in front of the miner, tears streaming down her face. "You bought me to set me free! You bought me to set me free!" she said over and over. The miner said nothing. Clutching his muddy boots, the girl looked up at the miner and said, "All I want to do is to serve you- because you bought me to set me free!"

A Few Fishing Definitions

HOOK - (1) A curved piece of metal used to catch fish. (2) A clever advertisement used to lure a fisherman to spend his life's savings on fishing supplies. (3) The punch administered by said fisherman's wife after she learns what he spent their life's savings on. (Usually accompanied by word "right" or "left.")

LINE - Something you give your coworkers when they ask how your fishing trip went.

LURE - An object that dangles from the end of your fishing line and is supposed to encourage fish to bite it. It is the fisherman's equivalent of sports cards, comic books, buttons, lint, and other things you collect that generally have no purpose.

REEL - A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard.

ROD - An attractively-painted length of fiberglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish.

TACKLE - What your last catch did to you right after you brought him into the boat and right before he jumped back overboard.

TACKLE BOX - A box shaped alarmingly like a good first aid kit, only a tackle box carries an extremely large number of sharp objects, so that when you reach in blindly to grab an adhesive bandage, you soon find that you will need more than one.

TEST - (1) The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range. (2) A measure of your creativity when trying to come up with yet another explanation for why you have come home once again empty-handed.

Get Along Better

Proven ways to get along better with EVERYONE:

1. Before you say anything to anyone, ask yourself 3 things:

- Is it true?
- Is it kind?
- Is it necessary?

2. Make promises sparingly and keep them faithfully.

3. Never miss the opportunity to compliment or say something encouraging to someone.

4. Refuse to talk negatively about others; don't gossip and don't listen to gossip.

5. Have a forgiving view of people. Believe that most people are doing the best they can.

6. Keep an open mind; discuss, but don't argue. (It is possible to disagree without being disagreeable.)

7. Forget about counting to 10. Count to 1,000 before doing or saying anything that could make matters worse.

8. Let your virtues speak for themselves.

9. If someone criticizes you, see if there is any TRUTH to what he is saying; if so, make changes. If there is no truth to the criticism, ignore it and live so that no one will believe the negative remark.

10. Cultivate your sense of humor; laughter is the shortest distance between two people.

11. Do not seek so much to be consoled, as to console; do not seek so much to be understood, as to understand; do not seek so much to be loved as to love.