"Mr. Smith is also a close relative of his brother Wilbur in the church."
"Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow."
"Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community."
"O come all ye faithful, sin in exultation."
"After today's service, coffee and donuts will be served in the basement. Please come down and say hell to the pastor."
"Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help."
"For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs."
"The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer."
"Children will be led in sinning and Bible study."
"This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends."
"This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar."
"There will be a baked bean supper next Sunday at 6:00 p.m. Music to follow."
"At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice."
"Life groups meet on Wednesday evening at 7:00 PM for food, fun, and fellowwhipping."
"Marriage: An Institution To Be Endured." -- The subject of a sermon that should have read, "An Institution To Endure."
"Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa."
"The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals."
"The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'"
"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
"The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict."
"Miss Charlene Mason sang "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation."
"The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing: 'Break Forth Into Joy.'"
"Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones."
"Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children."
"The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment, and gracious hostility."
"The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon."
"The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday."
"Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch."
"Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered."
"Women's S.E.W. (Stitching and Encouraging Women)"
"He came down and saved my soup."