Dear Ideal Church Member,
Thank you for your email. Yes, we agree with you that the ideal pastor should preach exactly 20 minutes. He can condemn sin, but he should never hurt anyone's feeling. He has to work from 8 AM to midnight, and should also serve as the church janitor. He should make $40 a week, wear good clothes, and donate $30 a week to the church. He is 29 years old and has 40 years of experience. He is both tall and short, thin and heavyset, and has one brown eye and one blue eye. He should make 15 house calls a day and always be in his office.
If your pastor does not measure up to these criteria, send this list to six other churches that are also dissatisfied with their pastors. Then, bundle up your pastor and send him to the church at the top of the list. In one week you will receive alist of 1,643 pastors. Surely one of them will be perfect. Have faith in this letter. One church broke the chain and got its old pastor back in three months.